Jeremy Eaton
As we all know, "gay" sells newspapers. Why? Because people LOVE reading about the "gay"! What the gay do, what the gay think, what the gay dream... it's a gay, gay world, and the rest of us are just wearing the clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in.

HOWEVER! I am about to reveal a secret that will blow the lid off the gay world. A secret SO closely guarded by the gay illuminati that my backdoor key to the local steam bath will probably be revoked. But I don't care anymore! The truth must be revealed, and here it is: A lot of people who say they're gay? Not as gay as they say! Oh, sure, they may be bobbing the sausage and stuffing the keyhole, but some of them are also enjoying football, eating meatball sandwiches, and walking around without the slightest idea of who Stephen Sondheim is! The horrible truth? There are varying degrees of the gay.

See, while most people are coerced into choosing a sexual orientation and sticking to it, whether or not you're gay is actually a battle of percentages. Naturally, everybody's a little gay--otherwise what's with all the towel snapping in the locker rooms? What's with sneaking a peek at your next-door urinal neighbor? What's with professional wrestling? Therefore, EVERYONE is at least a certain percentage of the gay.

Take me, for example. I'm 54.7% gay. How did I learn this? By taking an Internet quiz, naturally! While I already knew I was "gay-ish," I get so much booty from so many genders, it was nice to be able to nail my orientation down to the decimal point. (If you're interested in taking this hilarious and informative quiz, pay a visit to www.burlyadventurer.com. And when they ask if you prefer "hot dogs" or "buns," DON'T LIE.)

And since we now know that "varying degrees of gayness" is scientific FACT, we can talk about a new gay show debuting this week, which in my estimation is 68.3% GAY. It's called Playing It Straight (Friday, March 12, 8 pm) and is debuting on the Fox network. Now... I'd like to say a couple of words about gay shows that debut on Fox vs. gay shows that debut on Bravo. Here's the difference: Bravo produces gay shows because they themselves are gay. Fox produces gay shows because they've run out of midgets.

Now that we've established yet another scientific fact, let's move on, shall we? Playing It Straight plays out like your everyday reality dating show--there's one beautiful bachelorette, 14 sexy men, and a million dollars on the line. But here's the rub! There's some gay guys thrown into the mix, and it's up to the single gal and the viewing audience to figure out who's straight and who's a baloney blower. In the end, our het chick will be forced to choose one suitor. If he's straight, the duo splits the million bucks. If he's gay, he gets the entire fortune and leaves her heartbroken and alone. HAW! HAW! Wot a riot!!

So catch Playing It Straight on Fridays (which at 91.2% is the gayest night of the week). Whew! All this "gay" talk is raising my percentage rate! And while I may be only 54.7% gay, I'm 110.9% HO-NAY!!