Jeremy Eaton
Ugly people: What a pain in the ass--am I right? And while "the ugly" are really annoying and get in the way of all that is beautiful in the world, you know what really chaps my crevice? Ugly people who are kinda hot. You've seen them! They're ugly, but they also dress nicely; they groom themselves, they have pleasant attitudes and are filled with self-confidence. And these people are getting as much or sometimes even more tail than I am! I mean, who's the beautiful person here? Me or them?

Now I'm not saying that beautiful people deserve more than ugly people--except, of course, when it comes to tail. I'm fine with "the ugly" having health benefits, equal pay for equal work, and the right to prescription drugs. However, when an ugly person gets more tail than the beautiful people--then that just goes against the laws of nature. And in case you slept through your "laws of nature" class in that fancy liberal arts college you attended, here's a refresher course: Hot chicks get impregnated by hot dudes like me. CLASS DISMISSED!

So if you happen to be circling around a piece of tail I've got my eye on, and you (A) have a nose that could easily be mistaken for a banana were it a brighter shade of yellow, (B) have a face that cats try to bury in the sand, or (C) have ever walked into a haunted house and were given a job application, THEN YOU COULD BE UGLY. So stay away from my tail. Okay, Ugly? Okay.

That being said, and knowing the way I feel, why is television constantly sticking up for the ugly guy and gal? There's Average Joe, where a beautiful woman is cruelly forced to choose between a gang of male ankle-biters, Extreme Makeover, where plastic surgeons try to "improve" the faces of people who God is obviously trying to punish, and now, most cruelly, there's a new reality show debuting at 9:00 p.m. this Monday, March 29, on Fox called The Swan.

Apparently based on the childhood tale "The Ugly Duckling," a group of unattractive women are each given the opportunity to "restore their beauty and confidence" with the help of a team of specialists. Now this team is like Queer Eye's Fab Five--except they probably don't wax their backs. There's a coach, a cosmetic surgeon, a dentist, a stylist, and when the contestant eventually goes insane, a therapist. After the team gets through with these gals, each contestant will be coiffed, drilled, spackled, painted, buffed, and waxed until she is no longer an ugly manifestation of children's nightmares, but a blonde, beautiful, and virtually perfect specimen of the human race--just like Hitler wanted!

But the fun doesn't stop there! Every week two contestants will be given a complete makeover, and while the uglier of the duo will be disqualified and probably sent to live in a spider hole in Iraq, the more beautiful one will compete in the big season-finale "Ultimate Swan" Beauty Pageant! EEEEEEEEEE! Waitasecond... now I finally understand! Thanks to Fox there will be a whole bunch of new beautiful tail for me to chase. Now that's what I call "community service"!