Jeremy Eaton
I think I'm in biiiiiiiiig trouble. As anyone who watches television knows, after a show has been on for a while, things can get... well... a little stale. So what do the producers do in this situation? First of all, they PANIC. Then they fall back on the old tried and true formulas: either firing the entire cast, adding special guest stars like Sammy Davis Jr., or in the worst-case scenario, hiring someone adorable to play the "kid brother or sister."

What does this have to do with me? Just this: Last week I was minding my own goddamn business, when I was suddenly informed that I have a "kid sister" I knew nothing about!! And look out! She's ADORABLE! Turns out my pappy had been boning a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader on the side for a number of years--BUT THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM! The problem is that I've suddenly got a kid sister, which means, much like my favorite TV shows, I'm in danger of being a stale wash-up!

And even worse? My kid sister has decided to move in with me! I'm telling you, people, it's horrible. Not only is she adorable, she's also quick with the smart-ass remarks. And when she enters the room, everyone applauds (just like with Fonzie!). She's even got her own catch phrase: "What-EVAH!" For example, when I say, "Brittany Amberson Humphrey, will you please wash the dishes?" She snaps her fingers in the air, wags her head back and forth, and squeals, "What-EVAH!" "Brittany, will you please pick up your filthy underpants?" Snap, wag, "What-EVAH!" "Brittany, will you please stop hanging around that convicted sex offender?" Snap, wag, "What-EVAH!"

And everybody howls in laughter and applause! GODDAMMIT! It's INFURIATING!

My only consolation in this ridiculous situation is that at least I'm not the only person going through it. It seems that Sydney Bristow--the hot and saucy secret agent on ABC's Alias (Sundays, 9 pm)--is suddenly getting her own surprise "kid sister" as well! Argentinean hottie Mia Maestro will join the Alias cast this Sunday as Syd's previously unknown sibling. So does this mean that Syd's stoic pop was popping NFL cheerleaders on the side? FAT CHANCE! Here's my theory: Syd's formerly evil boss Sloane has been dropping a number of hints about porking Sydney's mom. So does this mean he's actually Sydney's father... or is he perhaps the pop of the mysterious kid sister? Ah-HA! Ho-HO! Hee-HEE! (Or maybe I'm once again full of crap. We'll see this Sunday.)

Here's my point! Whenever a kid sister suddenly shows up out of the blue, there's gonna be trouble. It means someone's about to be fired, canceled, or finding a living room covered with filthy underwear. My advice to Sydney Bristow is to give this buttinsky bitch the heave-ho--because before long? She's going to be taking over your show, hanging around sex offenders, and making with the sass-talk!

Snap, wag, "What-EVAH!"