Jeremy Eaton
Okay--now I'm starting to panic. As you know, my swimsuit area has been in a constant state of dampness over the possibility of a Knight Rider movie. Fans of this '80s TV show--starring curly-haired hunk David Hasselhoff and his talking-car pal, KITT--are starting to fret as well, because now, according to reports, the movie may NEVER make it to the multiplex! Apparently there have been disputes between Hasselhoff and the studios over--get this--whether or not the car should TALK. What the FAWK?!? Why is this even a discussion? Of course the fawking car should fawking talk! It's fawking KITT, for the love of FAWK!

Okay... breathe... everything's under control. I'm just upset because I am unable to help Hasselhoff convince these studio boobs that making a Knight Rider movie without a talking car is like having sex with Courtney Love--you can do it, but what's the freakin' POINT?!? Even worse, since there's little to no new information available, I'm forced to do the unimaginable--and turn to the GERMANS for help.

As you know, I despise the German people. They are power-mad and fat. However, we do share one commonality--we love our Hasselhoff. Therefore, in order to learn more about the fate of the Knight Rider movie, I was forced to read a Hasselhoff interview from a Krautsie website which has been translated from German into English using one of those weird Internet translating machines. Here is the confusing, and absolutely true, translation:

"This is the message of Dave for all fans and we to hear the film not lie on ice. The explanation of David for it that the film retards, is not to be pointed from the hand to. The last scripts did not correspond what one imagines under Knight Rider. Among other things it script gave, in which branch-hone kutscher along-play should."

[Sheesh! Is it any wonder these dumbasses lost the war?]

"This script was in the style of the whole rather a comedy be. In addition, a further script that strong was ajar against the design of Three Angels for Charlie. For this circulated the rumor of Vin Dissel than leading actors. In addition, this script is not expectations that the fans and not the conception of David. Thus these rumors can be vacated from the way."

Ohhhhhh-kay. So here's how I translate this translation: The reason there's a delay (or a "film retard") is because Hasselhoff is not pleased with the script--specifically the whole "branch-hone kutscher along-play should" thing. And while this is certainly a concern to everyone, Hasselhoff also seems displeased with the overall tone of the script--as it's currently being played as a comedy in the vein of the Drew Barrymore franchise "Three Angels for Charlie." Then there's the incomprehensible decision to give the starring role of Michael Knight to "Vin Dissel"--who should not be confused with the Fast and the Furious star, as this "Vin Dissel" is actually a morbidly obese wiener dog featured in German sauerkraut commercials. This is not the way the fans and David Hasselhoff want Knight Rider to be portrayed, and "thus these rumors can be vacated from the way."

Let us all breathe a sigh of relief.