Jeremy Eaton
It's a scientific FACT: Before the invention of the "reality makeover show," you were far more attractive. I loved the swoop of your nose, the cut of your torso--even the junk in your roomy trunk. However, after watching shows like The Swan, Extreme Makeover, and MTV's I Want a Famous Face, now I'm thinking you would look a whole lot better after getting about $175,000 worth of plastic surgery.

It's not that you're UGLY, per se--but since everyone else already has plastic surgery, now you're lacking that certain "Barbie doll crossed with Mr. Potato Head" look. Sure, there's the risk you may end up looking slightly freakish. For example, after the Swan contestants were nipped, tucked, bobbed, liposucked, psychologically evaluated, and stuffed into horrific red sequined evening gowns, most people agreed they looked like a slightly uglier version of RuPaul. But hey! Some of us like mannish-looking broads (just don't be surprised when I check to see if you have a wiggler under that skirt).

And I'll admit it. I'm no Adonis. After a long, hard look in the mirror, I decided I could use a few minor surgical changes myself. For example: my world-famous honey-baked ham. While my sweet 'n' juicy tuckus has been heralded by the engineering department at MIT as "a model of structural perfection," I'm no longer the spring chicken I used to be. And the last time I measured, my booty had actually dropped .003 centimeters. Is this a cause for alarm? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS! That's why I'm saving up to get the mother of all butt-lifts. The surgeon is planning on literally removing my ass and sewing it onto my shoulders. "Waitasecond..." I hear you say. "Won't people get your ass confused with your face?" To which I would reply, "Shut up, jerkwipe. I'm the funny guy here--NOT YOU!!!"

Anyway, the great thing about getting plastic surgery is that afterwards, you can criticize everyone else. And the way I look at it, it's the reality makeover shows that could really stand some improvement! For example...

* Reality Show Hosts: Why So Ugly? Doesn't it stand to reason that in a show about makeovers, the host should be at least somewhat attractive? All the makeup in the world can't disguise the fact that their faces look like Saran Wrapped road kill.

* Reality Show Mansions: Why So Nappy? Look. If you're going to pay for all my plastic surgery, dental work, and therapy--couldn't you at least put me up in a decent mansion? Those curtains are fake crushed red velvet, that crystal chandelier is glass, and the butler isn't even freaking BRITISH! And you call this a decent '93 Bordeaux? Honky, please!

* And finally, Families of Reality Show Contestants: Why So Horrified? The saddest part of these shows is when the made-over wife unveils her new face to her family, and the kids start screaming. "Waahhh! Where's my mommy?!?" Well, here's a message for those sad, uninformed children: Your mommy is the same loving mother she always was--but now, she's no longer grotesque. And if Mommy can learn to love herself, then it will be that much easier to love you. (Which you have to admit is pretty hard, seeing as how your boobs are so small.)