Jeremy Eaton
In a completely ridiculous example of bureaucratic idiocy, I have once again been denied the opportunity to procure my very own intern. And even though "the powers that be" seem to have interns pouring out their wazoos, whenever I ask for one, my request gets the automatic pooh-pooh. "Humpy," they say, "whatever do you need an intern for?" And then, with that dismissive tone they usually reserve for people digging through the garbage for a hotdog, they add, "You're a television critic, for god's sake."

Well, let me tell YOU something, you upper-management pee-holes! There happen to be a few very good reasons for me to have an intern, and they are (ahem!) as follows:

(A) TO HAVE SEX WITH. I suppose this is a rather obvious statement, but c'mon! I remember slicing off quite a number of booty pieces for my boss when I was an intern, and the way I see it? It's payback time!

(B) TO MASSAGE MY BOTTOM. As a television critic, I spend an inordinate amount of time on my ass. That's why I need an intern with strong, nimble fingers to dig deep into my anal crevasse and bring those dead nerve endings back to life!

(C) TO WATCH STUPID SHOWS. It is a torturous responsibility to watch every freaking show that comes on TV. I mean, why should a man of my stature be forced to study a piece of crap like Sewing with Nancy on PBS? Studying pieces of crap is clearly an intern job.

And (D) TO WRITE MY COLUMNS. Again, why should I be expected to write a hilarious column every week, make my own sandwiches, and fetch my own liquor? Why am I the only person forced to trim my own cuticles, replace my smelly insoles, and shave the hair around my nipples? NO ONE--especially a columnist of my prestige-- SHOULD BE ASKED TO DO THESE THINGS! That's why we have "interns." Correction... "unpaid interns."

Apparently, I'm not the only one who feels this way. It seems that comedian Andy Dick (formerly of NewsRadio, The Ben Stiller Show, and a couple of drunk-driving accidents) has convinced the muckety-mucks of MTV to give him his own reality show--in which he FINALLY gets the intern he rightfully deserves!

It's called The Assistant (debuting Monday, July 12, at 10:30 pm), in which 12 innocent contestants compete against each other to become Andy's intern, and win an entry-level job at MTV, a spiffy wardrobe, and a brand new car. The catch? They must endure an endless series of incredibly humiliating tasks that make the Iraqi prison Abu Ghraib look like a trip to the cotton-candy factory!

Though The Assistant is a parody of a host of reality programs (such as Fear Factor, Survivor, and, of course, The Apprentice), the main difference is that Andy Dick is a fawking lunatic and each brutal torture these Hollywood wannabes go through is absolutely real. They're screamed at, physically abused, forced to eat headcheese Popsicles, and most horribly, ordered to pick up sticky underpants.

Of course, unlike Mr. A. Dick, I would treat my own intern with an enormous amount of respect. There would be no screaming, no hitting, and no headcheese--just screwing, cuticle cutting, and sandwich making. And okay, the occasional pair of sticky underpants. Hey! Everybody has to start somewhere!