Jeremy Eaton
Oh, god. I feel another aneurysm coming on... I just know it. See that throbbing vein in my forehead? That's an ANEURYSM my friend, and any second now it's going to explode like a baby alien popping out of a scientist's stomach, and let me tell YOU... this room is going to be quite a mess.

What's my beef? Just this: WHY, OH WHY, are people in this country getting their collective panties in a slipknot over such topics as the election, gay marriage, and terrorism when something truly PERVERSE is going on right under our snoots? And have any of our normally tight-assed hillbilly congressmen spoken out about this depravity? NO, THEY HAVE NOT. Because what I'm talking about is so SICK, so DISGUSTINGLY BLECCHHH, it can only be described as... SITCOM INCEST.

That's right! SITCOM INCEST. That most revolting beef stew of foul immorality! And in prime time, no less! Isn't it horrible enough that our children were forced to view Janet Jackson's nude nipple leaping forth from its leather domicile? As it turns out, her leather bustier was a Pandora's box of EEEEVIL, bursting open and freeing a horrific host of nipple-y demons into the world! Unfortunately, those very same demons have now possessed my favorite sitcom, Arrested Development (Fox, Sundays, 8:30 pm).

Unsurprisingly, this brilliant and innovative show finished its first season near the bottom of the ratings--however, in a truly surprising move (probably because of an ass-load of Emmy nominations) Fox has thrown its full support behind the show, picking up 22 new episodes scheduled to air starting November 7. Why so brilliant? Arrested Development takes the best of reality television, and bends it into a tasty pretzel of comedy.

Arrested Development is shot like a shaky-camera documentary--but is straight sitcom through and through. It tells the story of the previously stinking rich Bluth family, who have fallen on hard times after the father (Jeffrey Tambor) is sent to prison following an Enron-type scandal. Son Michael (Jason "The Hogan Family" Bateman) is the sole voice of sanity in a hilarious family of eccentrics, which include David Cross, Portia de Rossi, and Tony Hale (with special guest spots from Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers, and Liza Minnelli).

And while this show is as sharp as a goddamn tack (which may explain its unpopularity within Middle America), I do have a moral bone to pick with its producers! According to a recent New York Times article, creator Mitchell Hurwitz is planning on adding Jason Bateman's real-life sister Justine "Family Ties" Bateman to the show this fall--as JASON'S LOVER!

Now hooooooold on a second! The comedy train stops HERE. While this sort of sitcom incest may be really funny, weird, and undeniably HOT--it's giving me an aneurysm freakout! Though I'm not sure how many children I have scattered across the country, I'm pretty sure I don't want any of them seeing Jason and Justine Bateman making out! Don't just stand there! Write your hillbilly congressman today! Stop this unmitigated EVIL from further infecting our... POP!

Ahhhhhh... crap. There goes the aneurysm. Never mind.