Jeremy Eaton
Look. I know you already had plans for a Halloween party. All I'm saying is that your plan BLOWS, and you need a better idea... for example, MY idea. See, you should totally throw an O.C. -themed Halloween party. What? NO, I don't mean "obsessive/compulsive!" In case you've been living in an Iraqi spider-hole, The O.C. is only the coolest nighttime soap in the world, and it's FINALLY returning for its second season on November 4, at 8:00 p.m. on Fox!

You still don't know what I'm talking about? OHMYGOD, you are so INFURIATING! Okay, fine. Jump on the TV short bus, and let's take a quick and dirty tour of what happened last season on The O.C. --AKA, the AWESOMEST show EVER!

The action takes place in a California fancy-pants beach town where the rich and Jew-licious Coen family (Sandy, Kirsten, and indie geek Seth) adopt Ryan--a teenaged delinquent from the wrong side of the tracks. And though Ryan may have a hard time adjusting to the upper-crust antics of his new school, he has no trouble digging into the trousers of his stinking drunko neighbor, Marissa. MEANWHILE! Geeky Seth is busting a major move on Marissa's bitchy friend Summer--who is so freakin' hot, she makes me remember to put on my goo-retardant underpants. BUT THEN! Seth is also attracted to fellow nerd Anna--who turned out to be such a goddamn drip she was kicked off the show, which thankfully opened the door for Summer to begin whipping off her shirt (which she did in two glorious episodes).

HOWEVER! Just when Ryan and Marissa get off the ground, a rich teenage psychopath named Oliver steps in to cock block his rival and make everyone else think Ryan is the crazy one! Which he's totally not! ON THE OTHER HAND! Seth's parents (Sandy and Kirsten) are having problems, too, because Sandy hates Kirsten's powerful pop (Caleb), Kirsten hates daddy Caleb's new wife (gold-digging Julie), Julie likes boning Marissa's old boyfriend (beefcake Luke), but hates her dull ex-hubby Jimmy (who has the hots for Kirsten) because he's boning Kirsten's ho-bag sister, Hailey.

Okay. What have I left out? OH, YEAH! So in retaliation for the psycho Oliver incident, Ryan knocks up his Latina ex-girlfriend (Theresa), and follows her back to Chino to "do the right thing." (HA! Right. ) WHICH LEADS US TO... Marissa jumping back on the drunky-pants liquor wagon. WHICH THEN LEADS TO... Summer breaking up with Seth because her creepy daddy doesn't like him. WHICH IN TURN LEADS TO... Seth, in the most hilariously dumb season finale move EVER, deciding to pack a sack lunch and "sail off to Tahiti" in a one-man catamaran.

WHICH FINALLY LEADS US TO... The O.C. season premiere on November 4, and your crappy Halloween party--which should TOTALLY have an O.C. theme. Just think of it! Your friends can dress up as (1) Drunk Marissa, (2) Topless Summer, (3) Mopey Ryan, (4) Jewish, Monobrowed Sandy, (5) Drippy Anna, (6) Psycho Oliver, (7) Ho-Bag Hailey, (8) Gold-Digger Julie, (9) Pregnant Theresa, or (10) Seth after his skinny indie-rock ass has been eaten by sharks.

So get with it. You've got a LOT of planning to do.