Jeremy Eaton
You know, if I were a billionaire--and at my current rate, I'll be one by the year 2947--I'd be just like Sir Richard Branson...THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE. You've undoubtedly heard of this money-pooping firebrand from his new show on Fox, The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best (Tuesdays, 8 pm). And if not, I'm here to tell you that Sir Richard Branson, THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE, is the greatest TV show idea since Fonzie jumped a tank of leather-eating sharks.

"Oh, stop smoking your crack, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you cry. "How can Sir Richard Branson, this so-called REBEL BILLIONAIRE, ever stack up to other famous TV billionaires such as Donald Trump, Thurston Howell, or that fat chick on Designing Women?" Well, first of all, he wouldn't take any backtalk from sassy-asses like YOU. He'd just send you up in his privately owned space shuttle and sloooowly drain out all the oxygen. Why such a gruesome death? Because he's THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE!

See, most non-rebel billionaires spend their wads on fancy mansions, supermodel wives, and diving into piles of specially purchased double-jointed prostitutes. NOT Sir Richard Branson, THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE! He REBELS against anything other billionaires do. For example...

* HE "REBELS" AGAINST GIVING A FAWK! In his new reality show, Branson has chosen 16 contestants to compete for a very special prize--his own job! The winner will actually become president of Virgin enterprises, which includes music, publishing, hotels, films, and even his own airline! Why would Branson hand over his entire company to some gimp he discovered on a reality show? Because he's THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE! And rebels don't give a fawk!

* HE "REBELS" AGAINST SAFETY! Other billionaire TV stars enjoy sitting safely behind their desks screaming, "You're Fired!" Not Sir Richard Branson (AKA THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE!). He actually leads his 16 contestants in a series of death-defying tasks--such as bungee jumping into a canyon, walking on an airplane wing, or going over Victoria Falls in a leaky metal container. And to prove he's not a big pussy like Joe Rogan from Fear Factor, Branson--THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE!--is the first to try every stunt. Now you may be asking yourself, how does drowning in Victoria Falls prove you're worthy of running a huge conglomeration? AH! That brings us to...

* HE "REBELS" AGAINST COMMON SENSE! While most billionaires would ask for a resumé before turning over their corporation to someone who previously sold footless pantyhose--that's not Sir Richard Branson, THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE! He's just looking for a big pee stain on your pants after you've tumbled off a hot air balloon soaring at 10,000 feet. And if there IS a pee stain, then everybody else will be flying off to Hong Kong on the next adventure, and YOU will be left standing alone on the tarmac--that is, if you don't get sucked into the plane's engine. Which is a perfect place for pee-stained losers like YOU.

(Wait a second... I wear adult diapers. I'd be awesome on this show!)