Jeremy Eaton
Looking for an AWESOME idea? Well, I just thought of one! As you know, cable companies sell us network "packages"--each comprising anywhere from 50 to 75 stations. And as you also know, cable companies refuse to sell us these stations "à la carte"--where we could choose each of our stations individually according to our tastes and preferences. These big-ass companies claim such a move would put them out of business (i.e., leaving them unable to afford their weekly supply of coke, hookers, or coked-up hookers). However! (And here comes my AWESOME idea... aren't you EXCITED?!?) What if these companies could meet us halfway and devise cable packages that catered to our individual voting records? (Look. I'm not CRAZY. Hear me out for Christ's sake!!)

Now, as we know, the conservative Christian voting bloc loves screaming to the FCC every time Janet Jackson's boob pops out, or there's a racy promotional ad with a nude Desperate Housewife in the arms of a black football player. It's obvious these people hate curse words and sexual situations--so why should they be forced to watch them?

In my new cable package plan, loudmouth conservative Christians would only be allowed to purchase "The Holier-Than-Thou" package. This package would be limited to just the squeaky-clean stuff: Christian networks (like PAX and TBN), the Hallmark channel, and perhaps some really bad sitcoms (like the entire CBS Monday night lineup). And if they don't like it? Well, the corporate line would be, "TOUGH TITTY." Hypocritical Christian voters will no longer be able to enjoy the smutty spoils of shows like Desperate Housewives (which gets huge ratings in Christian hotbeds like Tulsa and Salt Lake City). If these people are intent on censoring other people's entertainment, they should be forced to start with themselves.

But there are other cable packages, too! There's the "Gun-Totin' Rednecks for Bush" package that would only feature hunting and fishing shows, Fox News, NASCAR races, and the occasional gay porn. (Don't try to deny it, you guys! We know what you're up to on those "hunting" trips! You're hunting... for MALE ASS!)

Or how about the "Conservative Suburban Soccer Mom" package? This features 'round the clock coverage of house cleaning tips, food preparation and recipes, and how to properly mix alcohol with barbiturates without slumping into a coma. Or there's the "Undecided Voter" package, which only shows 25 seconds of a particular program before switching to something totally different.

But don't worry, liberals! I haven't forgotten about you! We get a very special cable lineup entitled, "The Sodom 'n' Gomorrah" package. It includes the dirty-talking HBO shows, the left-wing liberal Jew-run news (AKA PBS), any WB show where teenagers take off their shirts, Canadian broadcasting, gay porn (hey, we like hunting, too!), and a brand new reality show where every week a member of the Bush administration gets a sharp kick in the box.

(However, no one will be forced to watch UPN. C'mon... that's just cruel.)