Jeremy Eaton
In the haunting and tumultuous world of television, nothing gets my juicy bits tingling like when the networks give the green light to a REALLY BAD IDEA. Of course, they're giving green lights to bad ideas all the time... take any CBS Monday night sitcom for example. But it's the truly horrific ideas that fill me with squirmy, prostate-rubbing glee. Like Small Wonder, the mid-'80s sitcom about a family who adopts a little girl robot! Or the Nick and Jessica Family Christmas Special--which still gives me an uncontrollable eye twitch. And of course, who can forget the joyful monstrosity of Fox TV's When Animals Attack, Man vs. Beast, or The Littlest Groom? (If you've never heard of that last one--trust me, you don't wanna know.)

But despite violent protests from critics, religious groups and politically correct organizations, these wonderfully bad ideas just keep on getting produced. Why? Because no amount of impotent screaming means a goddamn thing to a desperate, ratings-hungry TV executive whose job is on the line. And boy, oh, BOY! Are they desperate! In 2005, expect some high-concept, low-quality CRAP. Check these shows out!

*Stuck on Dirty (Spike TV, January 2005): This reality show starring rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard was filmed a few months before he died, and was immediately shelved. But now that he's kicked the bucket, look for it on a TV near you! There's only one word to describe the simple premise of the show: AWWWWESOME! In order to win $25,000, a contestant named "Bob" has to stay within 10 feet of the completely insane ODB for several days--hence the title, Stuck on Dirty. Both are equipped with an electronic monitoring system that beeps whenever they're separated by more than 10 feet, and when it does, Bob loses a portion of his prize money. It's a great idea, and now that Dirty's dead--why not do a sequel?

* Untitled INXS Project (Debuting sometime in 2005): Mark Burnett (producer of Survivor and The Apprentice) has announced he's working on a brand new reality show, which will look for a replacement lead singer for INXS. That's right... a replacement for Michael Hutchence. Who died. From self-strangulation while masturbating in a closet. I won't go into the challenges, but trust me: Getting "immunity" on this show is crucial.

* Untitled Martha Stewart Post-Prison Reality Show (NBC, debuting mid-2005): According to The Hollywood Reporter, NBC is close to sealing the deal for a "competition reality show" similar to Survivor starring lifestyle maven Martha Stewart--that is, as soon as she gets out of the can. Just think of the possibilities! Like how about a Martha Stewart Prison Bake-Off, where contestants bake culinary delights that include hacksaws, shivs, and guns? Or what about a Martha Stewart Prison Break game, where you're instructed to escape from a minimum-security prison, but first you have to obsessively shine the bars of your cell? Or how about a game where Martha chases nude contestants around a prison shower with a splintery broom handle? (I haven't thought of a name for that one yet--but I'm working on it!)