Jeremy Eaton
What follows is a slightly abridged list of gifts you should get me this year. (And no, silly. Not the ENTIRE list. Just three out of four. I'm not greedy.)

* Anatomically Correct Desperate Housewives Blow-Up Bree Doll--[Note from Humpy: A few of these gifts may be a bit hard to find, since many have not been invented yet. So my advice is to move your ass.] Sure, you may prefer Desperate Housewife Gabrielle (Eva Longoria) or the bony-ass Susan (Teri Hatcher), but give me the sexually stuck-up Bree (Marcia Cross) any day of the week! I've loved this actress ever since she played the murderously brain-damaged Kimberly on Melrose Place--and I don't care if she's playing a stunted ice queen, Bree has a body that would make Baby Jesus pop an itty-bitty boner. Rrrrowrrr! Pant! Pant! Ah-OOOH-Gah!

* Magnum P.I. Booshy Moostache--I'll admit it: I'm getting older. And if I'm going to keep on banging sweet pieces of juicy fruit into my golden years, I'm going to need all the help I can get! That's why I'm asking for the only sure booty magnet God ever created, the Magnum P.I. Booshy Moostache. Frankly speaking, neither man, woman, nor beast can keep their sex juices from flowing when Tom Selleck's booshy moostache is in the room. That's why he eventually had to shave it off! One can only give so many "moostache rides" before one starts to chafe!

* A Constitutional Amendment That Would Force All Americans to Watch Veronica Mars--In fact, I'll happily join the Republican Party if they push this one through. Hey, don't get mad at ME! I've told you 50 billion times that Veronica Mars (Tuesdays, 9 pm, UPN) is the greatest teen show in the universe, and all you do is laugh and laugh and call me "farty shit pants." Regardless of the fact that Veronica Mars is smart, sassy, and the best thing since Buffy, Americans are still refusing to watch it! But when my constitutional amendment goes through, and you're standing on a bucket in Guantanamo Bay with a hood over your head and a car battery wired to your genitals--who'll be Mr. Farty Shit Pants then?

* A TiVo in My Brain--Everybody knows the TiVo digital video recorder is the greatest invention since--well, I was going to say "polio vaccine," but the TiVo is clearly better. In fact, if my house caught on fire, I'd save the TiVo before I'd rescue my stupid cat (hey, at least TiVo doesn't pee on a basket of clean laundry). If you're too poor or retarded to have TiVo, here's how it works: It records shows digitally (no tapes), quickly skips commercials, stores saved shows for easy access, and its "season pass" feature records all your fave programs for the entire year--after you program it just once! So now all they need to do is figure out how to install one in my brain. With "BrAiNo" (isn't that a great name?!), I'll be able to quickly scan past boring conversations, indefinitely save mental images of hot pieces of ass, and permanently delete all the people I hate. (Which just might be YOU if my stocking is empty this year! So get generous--or get deleted.)