· Who's Your Daddy? (Fox, Monday Jan 3, 8 pm). "This is really perverse," said Adam Pertman of the Evan P. Donaldson Adoption Institute on CNN. "[This show] takes a deeply personal and important experience and turns it into a money-grubbing game show. I think it is despicable." Good point, Adam--but that's also why it's AWESOME! In this controversial reality show, a woman put up for adoption at birth is challenged to pick her real biological father out of a group of eight strangers. If she picks the correct daddy she wins $100,000--and if she's wrong, she has to live in an orphanage for the rest of her life. JUST KIDDING. The money will go to the fake daddy, and the lady will be tearfully reunited with her real father. [Longtime readers of my column know I'd be perfect for this show, as I have at least 27 illegitimate children scattered across the country--and a few in Thailand, too!]
· Medium (NBC, Monday Jan 3, 10 pm). Failed movie actress Patricia Arquette stars in this new drama about a real-life psychic who helps out the cops by setting criminals on fire--with her brain. JUST KIDDING. [Why can't I write TV show scripts instead of this stoopid column? Don't answer that.]
· Committed (NBC, Tuesday Jan 4, 9:30 pm). Wacky mentally handicapped hijinx ensue when an obsessive-compulsive paranoid neurotic falls for a carefree optimist in this new half-hour comedy. Sounds bad, yes. But you can't playa-hate a sitcom that features a clown dying of cancer living in the closet. NOT KIDDING.
· Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search (NBC, Wednesday Jan 5, 8 pm). To win a coveted half-naked spot in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, 12 models will have to compete in a series of events, including, "Rolling around in the sand," "Rolling around topless in the sand," and finally, "Cleaning all that sand out of your cooter." ONLY PARTIALLY KIDDING.
· Alias (ABC, Wednesday Jan 5, 9 pm). Tongue-kissing leprechaun fans rejoice! Jennifer Garner is back in season four of this endlessly confusing and sexy spy soap opera. Along with modeling an entirely new line of bra and panty sets, Sydney meets her new CIA boss (Angela Bassett), and agonizes over her relationship with hunky hottie Agent Vaughn (Michael Vartan), which somehow manages to become even more complicated than before [probably because in real life, Jennifer used to date Vartan, but is now riding the wild baloney pony with Ben Affleck]. WAAAHHH! WISH I WERE KIDDING!