Jeremy Eaton
An anonymous network executive writes, "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: Every week when I finish reading your column, I'm left on the verge of tears--because you have pooh-poohed me. It's very hard work being a network executive, and it's harder when TV critics like you make with the pooh-pooh. I admit some of my shows aren't very good, but being on the receiving end of an automatic pooh-pooh hurts my feelings. I have some new shows coming up this month, and I would appreciate you not giving them the pooh-pooh. Because when you pooh-pooh me, my work turns to pooh, and then I pass the pooh-pooh back to you. Thank pooh… I mean, you."

Good point, anonymous network executive! I readily admit I am often too quick with the pooh. That's why I hereby proclaim this "National Network Executive No Pooh-Pooh Week!" That's right: Fresh reviews of all the new mid-season shows that are debuting this week--and 100 percent pooh-free! For example…

Jonny Zero (Fox, Fri Jan 14, 9 pm). After four years of being locked up in the can, ex-con Jonny Calvo (Franky G) is struggling to go legit on the mean streets of NYC. But when he gets pooh-poohed… I mean, criticized by a local gang leader for refusing to return to a life of crime, Jonny uses his former criminal skills to solve crimes and help people! WOW! That is sooo NICE. Helping Jonny make the world a better place is a wannabe rapper (black people make awesome comic relief!), and a "troubled" ex-stripper (my favorite kind!).

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike, Mon Jan 17, 11 pm). If you like watching people getting beaten to death, then you'll LOVE The Ultimate Fighter. The 16 contestants trained in boxing, wrestling, karate, kickboxing, and Jiu-Jitsu live in a house together, and learn to appreciate each other's differences. Then they climb into the Octagon cage and beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. It's just like The Bachelorette--except with repeated kicks to the nutsack!

Point Pleasant (Fox, Wed Jan 19, 9 pm). Supernatural high jinks ensue when a hot amnesiac washes up in the sleepy seaside town of Point Pleasant. Unluckily for the locals, she possesses weirdo persuasive powers, thanks largely to her mom, who forgot to put in her IUD before riding the wild baloney pony with SATAN. Now it's a no-holds-barred Texas-style cage match between good and evil on the previously quiet streets of Point Pleasant--which really sucks for the neighborhood association.

Distraction (Comedy Central, Tues Jan 18, 10:30 pm). Modern reality shows are actually just forums for public humiliation and physical torture--and I LOVE IT! Joining the mix is this British-born game show called Distraction, wherein four contestants answer a series of brain-numbing questions while participating in feats of painful endurance. Like what? Oh, like wresting a sumo, getting electrocuted or--my personal favorite--urinating on demand. I'd be great on this show because, as my ex-lovers already know, I'm awesome at urinating on demand. See? I'm urinating right now! (And that's no pooh.)