Jeremy Eaton
Boy. I've been getting a lot of letters lately. Last week, an upset anonymous network executive asked me to stop "pooh-poohing" his new TV shows. This week, an upset anonymous newspaper publisher who signs my paychecks writes, "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: It was with great alarm that I read last week's edition of I Love Television™ in which you agreed to stop "pooh-poohing' an anonymous network executive. You even proclaimed it "National Network Executive No Pooh-Pooh Week.' Please remember you were hired to "pooh-pooh,' as (according to our latest numbers) 91.8 percent of all shows are pooh. This means the network executives who produce them are pooh-pooh too. If I had wanted a TV critic who refused to pooh, I would've hired Poohfree McPooherson, the "No Pooh' TV reviewer from Poohville's Few Pooh-Pooh News. But I didn't. I hired YOU, asshole. So do what you doo-doo and make with the pooh-pooh!"

Man. Bosses can be a pain in the ASS. But if "pooh-pooh" is what the pee-people want, then "pooh-pooh" is what they'll get as I describe this week's new shows!

The Entertainer (E!, Sun Jan 23, 10 pm): Wayne Newton, get ready to be called "Wayne Pooh-ton"! I know I've said in the past that certain reality shows are perfect for me--but this time I really mean it!! This show takes 10 real-life entertainers (singers, dancers, comedians, magicians, etc.) and lets them compete for the "gig of a lifetime"… a featured performer in Wayne Newton's Las Vegas show! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! So why the pooh? Because I could perform the pants off any of these stinkholes--AND WAYNE POOH-TON KNOWS IT! Who needs his stoopid help getting started in Vegas, anyway? (Sniff!) Just you watch, Pooh-ton! I'm gonna be the biggest, shiniest star to EVER hit Las Vegas, and then? The POOH will be on YOU!

The Ashlee Simpson Show (MTV, Wed Jan 26, 10:30 pm): Normally I wouldn't make a point of trumpeting returning shows--but this is a train wreck you don't want to miss! Last year this reality show tracked Ashlee's rise from Jessica's big-nose lil' sis to big-nose pop superstar! This year, lil' Miss Big Nose will come crashing down as the show will document her embarrassing lip-synching debacle (and subsequent hillbilly dance) on Saturday Night Live, as well as her getting booed off the stage by 72,000 people at the Orange Bowl! Feel sorry for her if you like, but 72,000 pooh-poohers can't be wrong!

Numb3rs (CBS, Sun Jan 23, 10 pm): Here's an easy one to pooh! Rob Morrow (the monobrow guy from Northern Exposure) stars as an FBI agent who enlists his math-geek brother to help him solve crimes--which is certainly stupid enough. However, they increase the stupidity factor by an ass factor of 10 by giving this show the WORST NAME OF ALL TIME. Numb3rs. Numb3rs. How the fawk do you even say that? Like "numb-three-ers"? The only thing that's "numb" here are the numbnuts who came up with this dumbass title! Ka-zing, assholes! You just got "poohed!"