Jeremy Eaton
You know, there's nothing I'd like better than to step on Dr. Phil's face. And not in a gentle sort of manner, either. I'd like to step on his face indelicately--perhaps wearing golf shoes, and while putting all my weight on one foot. Then, with the spikes of my shoe deeply implanted into the skin of Dr. Phil's face, I would begin twisting my foot. Slowly twisting and grinding, followed by a few unceremonious hops--just to make sure Dr. Phil's face would experience the same displeasure I feel every time his stoopid, cross-eyed head shows up on my television.

As you may have surmised by this point, I DO NOT LIKE DR. PHIL. To me, this dumbshit psychologist who got his start dispensing "advice" to the weak-willed audience members of Oprah, is a walking human depository of feces. Dr. Phil's brand of advice is of the "you're a lazy sack of shit, so pull yourself up by the bootstraps" variety. But I do have to admit, he makes a good point: I will have to pull myself up by my bootstraps in order to STEP ON HIS FAWKING FAT FACE.

By now it should be clear that I may be a bit biased when it comes to reviewing any of Dr. Phil's upcoming shows; for example, Dr. Phil's Romance Rescue (CBS, Tues Feb 15, 9 pm), which I can quickly guarantee will suck dead donkey dung. In this primetime special, Dr. Phil will be "telling it like it is" to a host of unhappy singles and couples--advising them on such matters as dating, money problems, and "domestic bed death" (lack of porking). Perhaps most annoyingly, Dr. Phil will attempt to provide instant help to an unsuccessful dater via a hidden transmitter in her ear as she embarks on a first date. Personally, if given a choice between Dr. Phil in my ear and an ice pick, I'd choose the ice pick. In fact, I'd choose an ice pick heated to 4,000 degrees centigrade. But then, I'm not very fond of Dr. Phil.

Now if you really want a couple of shows you can fall in love with, then flip the switch to the Spike network, which is debuting TWO awesomely awesome new shows, Carpocalypse (Sat Feb 12, 8 pm), and the elegantly entitled, Boom (Sat Feb 12, 9 pm). Both of these shows are the perfect antidotes to Dr. Phil and indirectly provide some much needed advice for these confusing times, such as, "Don't worry, blow shit up."

And "blowing shit up" is the entire point of the most explosive new series on TV, Boom. The beauty of this show lies in its sweet and perfect simplicity. According to Spike TV's VP of marketing, Dario Spina, "It's all shot in high definition, and features five demolition experts who unite and take on a weekly assignment of blowing shit up… and… that's the only description I have for it." Well said, Dario! Perhaps you can start with Dr. Phil's FACE.

Likewise, in Carpocalypse, professional drivers take the old-fashioned demolition derby to new and hilariously dangerous levels. The cameras follow highly skilled teams as they rush to create, build, and race in a bevy of scary and ultimately stupid events. For example, "The School Bus Figure-Eight Race," "Automotive Soccer," and my personal favorite, "Blindfolded Trailer Racing." It's kind of like Jackass, except at really high speeds, and with people being thrown through the windshield. Now, I'm going to love this show, because I would LOVE to see Dr. Phil get thrown through a windshield--it would make his FACE that much easier to STEP on!