Jeremy Eaton
Ever heard the phrase, "I'm only human"? Well, I'm only slightly more than human. So while I am indeed awesome in a myriad of ways, there are still just so many hours in the day, which makes it virtually impossible for me to watch every show on the hundreds of channels spanning network, cable, and satellite television.

My point? Just this: You are in BIG TROUBLE for not alerting me that there was a "monkey nurse" on the soap opera Passions (NBC, 2 pm, weekdays). How could you be so careless? Think of all the television columnists who have an unnatural obsession with monkeys dressed in human clothing. Now think of ONE GOOD GODDAMN REASON you didn't tell me that Passions prominently featured a monkey nurse named "Precious" that lusted after Latin men and drank gin and tonics!

YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS IMPORTANT?!? How could it NOT be important!? This is the biggest piece of monkey-dressed-as-human news to come down the pike since Mr. Show with Bob & David featured a monkey wearing a "Kiss My Ass" T-shirt! It's my job to know these things, and it's YOUR job to tell me! And if you're not doing your JOB, the entire goddamn calliope breaks down!

"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER"? Actually, it is NOT better late than never, because I heard about "Precious the Monkey Nurse" via a news report saying that March 24 was her last day on Passions! "Oops"? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT, "OOPS"! Now I can kiss that sweet piece of monkey ass goodbye forever!! Omigod. I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!

Okay… okay… cool down, Fonzie… cool down. Look, I don't really hate you. It's just that when you do STUPID things like that, I could just take your head and BASH IT, BASH IT, BASH IT… okay. Ooooooo-kaaaaaaaaay. Everything is cooooooool. Not the end of the world. I mean, it was just a monkey dressed in a nurse's outfit, right? And you didn't tell me because you didn't think the particulars were all that important. For example, did you know that Precious had originally been hired by evil Beth to tend to her invalid mother, because monkey nurses keep their evil employer's secrets better than human nurses? And did you know that Precious secretly lusted after hot Latin stud Luis, even though Beth would kill anyone who dared come near the swarthy man of her dreams? And did you know that Precious would change the invalid mother's diapers and was paid in bunches of bananas and bottles of gin? Wha… YOU DID KNOW THIS? Then why the FAWK didn't you tell me!?! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! My aneurysm is gonna blow!

Okay… look. I'm gonna guzzle a barbiturate tequila cocktail and strap myself into a straightjacket for a few hours until I calm down. Let me just tell you this: If you EVER, EVER hear of a TV show featuring ANY monkey wearing ANY article of human clothing, who are you supposed to call? That's right, ME. (Sniff!) Goodnight, sweet monkey nurse… I never knew ye. (No thanks to the jerks who read my column! JERKS!!!)