Jeremy Eaton
Does the Michael Jackson molestation trial make you want to vomit? ME TOO! Unfortunately, I'm like the dog who empties the contents of his stomach, and then happily laps it up again. I LOVE digging deeply into the Jackson trial transcripts and rooting out those sweet truffles of smut. For example, the security guard who claims to have witnessed Jackson "sucking [the boy's] nipples," or the French chef who allegedly caught Jackson with his hand down Macaulay Culkin's pants. Disturbing? You betcha. Smut-ilicious? Ain't nuthin' but.

For those who share this guilty pleasure, may I introduce my newest television obsession, The Michael Jackson Trial: An E! News Presentation (E!, 7:30 pm weekdays, with recaps on Saturdays at 10 am and 4 pm). Instead of tediously having to read the newspaper for my Jackson fix, cable channel E! spoon-feeds me the most salacious, naughty tidbits from the Michael Jackson trial on a daily basis--via unrealistic yet wholly satisfying "recreations. "

Every day, an E! "news team" extracts the sexiest testimony from actual court transcripts, which is then performed by a group of actors who could make your local community theater look like a pile of Laurence Oliviers spouting Hamlet. There's an actual Michael Jackson impersonator (played by actor Edward Moss, who has Jackson's razor-thin snoot down to a tee). Then there's wizened Judge Rodney S. Melville, as portrayed by character actor Jack Donner--whom you may remember as Romulan Subcommander Tal from the original Star Trek, as well as playing "creepy grandpa" in a number of straight-to-DVD movies. But my absolute fave is Defense Attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr., played by actor Rigg Kennedy, who is forced to wear the ugliest silver wig I've seen since Estelle Getty starred in The Golden Girls!

Every weekday, these desperate actors are called upon to recreate the trial's endless parade of disgruntled mothers and ex-employees, such as the maid who allegedly caught Jackson fondling Culkin's "rear end. " Naturally, all this got me to thinking--about the show, not about fondling Macaulay Culkin's rear end--and I asked myself, Why does this show only recreate the testimony? What if they told the witnesses' stories in a series of tawdry flashbacks?

For example, the French chef could be testifying on the stand, saying something like, "I reemembair eet shust like yestairday…. " Then a bunch of wavy lines could melt down the screen, and we'd find ourselves transported to Michael Jackson's bedroom (with the appropriate "wocka-wocka" porno soundtrack playing in the background). Suddenly, the French-chef impersonator walks in and catches the Jackson impersonator with his hands down the Culkin impersonator's pants!

"Sacré bleu!" screams the French chef, dropping his plate of French fries. "Meester Jacksohn! Why are you deeging around eenside leetle Mac's trousairs?" And then the Jackson impersonator could squeal, "EEEE! Oh, Frenchie! You've caught me molesting Macaulay Culkin!" before turning to the camera and saying, "ALLEGEDLY."

Hmmm. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not in charge.