Jeremy Eaton
What the FAWK is up with TV this week? There we all were, having a great time in front of the tube, laughing at the sadistic shenanigans of Hell's Kitchen, sneering at the nerds of Beauty and the Geek, and becoming sexually aroused by the porkable bottom of Boomer in Battlestar Galactica. Clearly 2005 was shaping up as the best summer of TV yet! But suddenly everything changed, and now it's like waking from a beautiful dream to realize your adult diaper is full of crap!

Now looky here, TV! You think you can trot out the hot stuff in June and July and then decide, "Ooh-la-la! I think I'll slip into a bikini and take the rest of August off!" Well, forget it! (Although if you want to wear the bikini for a couple of days, I guess that's all right.)

Look at the lineup of new shows debuting this week! I SAID, "LOOK AT IT!" It's a goddamn disgrace. My grandma could make better shows! And she's one bottle of pills away from the insane asylum. She dances the Charleston in her bloomers, drools incessantly, and propositions the mailman, screaming, "C'mere, trouser snake! How about slipping Granny Hump a honey cooler right on the kisser? Ha-cha-cha! 23-Skidoooooooooo!" See? That's how bad your shows are this week. For example…

The Law Firm (NBC, Thurs July 28, 9 pm): From the creatively exhausted mind of producer David E. Kelley (Ally McBeal, The Practice) comes yet another revolting lawyer show--this time with actual revolting lawyers! The Law Firm is a reality show in which 12 shysters defend actual clients in an actual courtroom--and while justice may be served, the real perk is a $250,000 grand prize for the winning ambulance chaser! Who says lawyers are just a bunch of dishonest jerks looking for a buck? (Mmmmm… everybody?)

Meet Mister Mom (NBC, Tues Aug 2, 8 pm): Hey misogynists! Here's a bizarre concept for a reality show: What if MEN were forced to do the housework instead of WOMEN? Yes, it's a recipe for hilarity when mom is sent on vacation, leaving bumbling dad to do "women's work." SEE! Stupid father trying to change a diaper. SEE! Dumbshit dad trying to decipher the washer and dryer. SEE! Mom beat the crap out of dad after he burns her steak. (Hey, that sounds like my parents!)

Trailer Fabulous (MTV, Wed Aug 3, 10 pm): There's something deeply wrong with this one. Every week a team of hoity-toity designers provides makeovers to the denizens of trailer parks. And while the mobile "cribs" are being sufficiently "pimped," the families are given style lessons along with the latest trendy clothes to replace their T-shirts that read "Mustache Rides, 5 Cents." Then, after the designers have turned the trailer into a rolling Trump Tower, they depart--but not before leaving a sign to hang on their creation that says, "Please Rob Us."

Now see here, TV! We have another long, hot month to endure before the fall season, so enough lame shows! Get into your bikini and get to work! Wait… NO!! Not You, Grandma! The TV!!

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