Or something like that. My point is there are far too many reality stars turning their 15 minutes into 16, 17, and sometimes even 18 minutes and 6 seconds! AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT! (Let's ignore the fact I've been doing this column for years, and while I'm certainly not "famous famous" I do use my prestige to score an enormous amount of ass.)
Now I'm not counting the Henry Winklers, John Schneiders, and Lynda Carters of the world who have clawed their way back up the entertainment ladder. I'm talking about the blink-and-you'd-miss-'em stars of reality television who were given their 15 minutes, and keep coming back like that oozing sore on my lip. For example, former reality stars keep popping up on The Amazing Race, The Surreal Life, Dancing with the Stars--and what about American Idol's Clay Aiken? That asshole's more popular than Jesus and he didn't even WIN.
And get a load of this! There are two new shows featuring reality stars that long ago should've been given the heave-ho. First there's Kill Reality (E!, Mondays, 10 pm), a reality show about former reality stars who have been cast in a horror movie written by a former reality star. Don't worry! It gets more confusing! The cameras follow these has-beens on a five-week film shoot, where they are forced to do something they've never been able to successfully accomplish: ACT. Just to update the score, Kill Reality makes the FOURTH reality show for Real World alumni Trishelle, who seems intent on cementing her reputation as the drunkiest slut since Lushy McHootchieson, owner of the loosest cootie west of the Mississippi. (P.S. Unfortunately for viewers, none of the Kill Reality cast were actually killed during the making of this show.)
This week brings us the debut of Battle of the Network Reality Stars (Bravo, Wed Aug 17, 9 pm)--a so-called "homage" to the deliciously cheesy '70s show Battle of the Network Stars. In the original, TV heroes such as macho shithead Robert Conrad (Black Sheep Squadron) and Jewfro-ed comedian Gabe Kaplan (Welcome Back, Kotter) led teams of network stars in a variety of contests. And though it was really just an excuse to see Adrienne Barbeau run the hundred-yard dash without a bra, or WKRP's Gary Sandy's sausage crammed into an extremely tiny pair of gym shorts, the show set a kitschy standard that's impossible to replicate. But on the upside, the new Battle of the Network Reality Stars features classic celebrity referees such as The Incredible Hulk's Lou Ferrigno--who's deaf and thanking God he won't have to listen to these crybaby no-talents bitch and moan.
So get with the laws of physics, people! Reality show stars are allowed 15 minutes--AND THAT'S IT! After that, they'll have to start earning their ass the old fashioned way--by writing a TV column!
WANNA TALK TV?
Chat with Wm. Steven Humphrey NOW in Blog Town, USA!
Go to portlandmercury.com and click "classifieds."