Jeremy Eaton
While it may surprise you, I am against totalitarianism. And not just because I'm unsure of what the word means. I'm pretty sure it's a "political" word, and has something to do with one jerk having "total" control. Why do they have to make words so tough, anyway? Is it gonna bust their balls just to say "one jerk who has total control" rather than slapping an "itarianism" on the end, just to sound smart? Well, it's not smart it's ANNOYING!!

NOW where was I? Oh, yeah! I pooh-pooh totalitarianism. But I also pooh-pooh other political dogmas as well. Like those commie dogmas, and those fascist dogmas, and I'm not a huge fan of the democracy dogma, either! But let me be clear: I'm not pooh-poohing America (mainly because I hear it's now a federal crime to pooh the red, white, and blue). However! I don't like people telling me, "Hey, dude! Democracy is like, groovy, and when it comes to important issues, like, everybody gets to decide. It's like that commune I used to live in, except with soap." You know what, hippie? IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!

Take the president for example. Before the election he was all like, "Look at me! I'm stupid just like you!"--which is what got him elected, because we all knew secretly he was actually MORE stupid than us, and stupid people are often funny. BUT! He forgot to mention he was a MEAN stupid person that divides his time in office three ways: doing fundraisers for Republicans, taking extended vacations, and plotting a way to blow the shit out of any country that made fun of his daddy. And I'm sorry but I didn't sign up for that!

See, the reason democracitarianism (that's me sounding smart) doesn't work is because everybody gets to decide--until there's an actual president and then only HE gets to decide! Which brings us to a topic I'll bet you thought I'd never get around to: television. Though American Idol was truly a benchmark in our cultural evolution, it gave viewers a flawed sense of democracy, and taught us a valuable lesson--if we let 12-year-old girls vote in the national election, then "Sideshow Bob" will be our next president. It also taught us there are certain vengeful people out there who would happily screw the system if they didn't get their way. Like when my favorite contestant, Tamyra, got unexpectedly kicked off, and I spent the rest of the series voting for Nikki McKibbin 78 times per episode.

But here's my point! Now they're taking this democracy thing wayyyyyy too far with a new show they're developing for FOX called American Candidate. This two-year series will select potential candidates from all over the country and then let Americans phone in and decide who should be running for president in 2004!! It's like American Idol except without the crappy Diana Ross songs, and the winner gets to nuke Iraq!

So as it turns out I guess I AM in favor of totalitarianism! As long as it's ME doing the "totaling." (With or without the "itarianism.")