Jeremy Eaton

Though it may come as a surprise to some, I often find myself "in trouble." However, it should be noted that any "trouble" I stumble into is rarely, if ever, my fault. In fact, if anyone's responsible, I blame SOCIETY and their overly strict rules (which include, but are not limited to, public sexuality, car racing, breaking and entering and stealing and leaving, and bathroom meth preparation and usage). I'm telling you this because now and then "readers" try to get me in trouble. They write my boss and say things like, "Humpy used the word 'retarded' in his column this week. Tell him he's in trouble!" Or, "Humpy gave the impression in his column that he would have good sex with me, and then when I had sex with him, he wasn't so good. Tell him he's in trouble!"

Happily, I'm not the only person in the world who slips into "trouble territory" on a regular basis. TV shows get into trouble, too! Every fall, a bunch of new shows are touted as the greatest thing since the George Foreman Grill (which is pretty great, BTW). However, it quickly becomes apparent that these same shows are not so great, and are, in fact, ridiculously sucky. That's when they get in trouble, and their days become numbered. However, these shows have no idea what trouble really is. To prove my point, I will provide the names of a few shows that are in trouble, and contrast that with an example of how I've been even more in troublier! (Yes, "troublier" is a word.)

Bionic Woman (Wed, 9 pm, NBC)—Okay, FINE. I admit I was originally dripping for this show. EXCUSE ME for being blinded by my libido. However, even I have to admit it kinda sorta stinks. And apparently America agrees, because in its second episode, viewership dropped off by a whopping 28 percent. Unless they get better writers and ratings, Bionic Woman is in for a bionic ass kickin'! But that kind of trouble is nothing compared to the time I humped the wife of the mayor (and then poked his daughter later on in the week). That was trouble.

K-Ville (Mon, 9 pm, Fox)—This well-intentioned cop show about the rebuilding of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina had its heart in the right place... until that heart was ripped from its body and pummeled by the ratings, which dropped a whopping 31 percent in its second week! While troubling, it's still not as troublesome as the time I stole a police car and rammed it into a Scientology center.

Cavemen (Tues, 8 pm, ABC)—When you base the entire premise of a show on a GEICO commercial, you're asking for trouble. And this moderately bad show got it when its premiere episode started with 9.2 million viewers and then dropped like a Paleolithic-era rock down to 7 million. Brrrringg! Brrrrringg! Hey, Cavemen! Charles Darwin just called and said, "You're going extinct, bitches! Boo-yah!" (But that's not as much trouble as the time I imitated Charles Darwin on the phone and was promptly sued by his estate. Boo-yah.)