Jeremy Eaton

Here's your problem, America: There aren't enough of you willing to suffer for what you believe in—especially when it comes to television! Example: Did you hear about the lady who vowed to starve herself until Sanjaya was voted off American Idol? Unfortunately "J"—as she likes to be called—didn't realize the unbridled power of millions of tone-deaf grandmothers and squealing pre-teens who make up Idol's voting block. And they don't give two poops for starving people. After 16 long hungry days, "J" finally caved in, admitted that Sanjaya is here to stay, and ended her hunger strike. (It's a good thing, too! If things kept going at this rate, by summer she'd be wearing Nicole Richie's bikini.) I swear I'm not making this up. Check out myspace.com/starvationforsanjaya.

Now there are those who claim that "J" is one short ambulance ride away from the cracker factory. I AM NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE. Sure, "J" could be using her political clout for issues of more significance, such as... ohhhhhh... I don't know... the war in Iraq? But do you really think Dick Cheney cares if some chick on MySpace starves herself to death? Of course not. In fact, he'd happily volunteer to blow her face off. However, Sanjaya should care! If he doesn't, that makes HIM the "Dick Cheney of American Idol!"

Yes, I respect "J's" brave stance against the continuing crapitization of American Idol, and so? I have selflessly decided to join her fight! (Well... kinda.) Instead of using this column to constantly bitch and moan about how awful certain shows are (like that ridiculously asinine Pussycat Dolls program... ISN'T IT TERRIBLE??), I've decided to become "politically active" and actually SUFFER in order to make television better! That's why I'm going on... A BOOTY STRIKE!

Yes, that's right! A BOOTY STRIKE! Until certain shows decide to straighten up and fly right, I vow to immediately stop offering up my booty for everyone's sexual gratification. "But you'll still be gratifying my booty... right?" I hear you ask. NO!! NO, I WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOT! I patently refuse to do anything half-assed, which is why my booty strike is FULL-ASSED. And as of now, I'm waging a full-assed booty strike against... NBC's Thursday night lineup!

Yes, I adore NBC's "Comedy Night Done Right." What I don't adore is when they start dicking around with the shows' running times! This week's new episode of The Office is 42-minutes long(?), the brilliant 30 Rock is 39 minutes long(??), the not-as-funny Scrubs is 33 minutes long(?!), but poor Andy Barker, P.I. is only 29 minutes long(?!?!?)! WHAT THE EFF? Sure, it's great to get an extra 12 minutes of The Office, but how does that make Andy Barker, P.I. feel? "Sorry, Andy. You just weren't funny enough for 30 minutes, so we're only giving you 29. TRY NOT TO FRAK IT UP."

These weird show-ending times have GOT TO STOP. You know, ENGLAND ends their shows at weird times, too... and look what happened to Princess Diana! So until NBC goes back to ending their shows on the half hour, I AM OFFICIALLY ON BOOTY STRIKE! (Oh stop crying. You can still see pictures of my booty all over the internet.)