jeremy eaton

I'm usually not a fan of the "old-timey ways." In fact, I'm so "new-timey" that I've already returned my iPhone and am currently researching "telepathy" as my new-timey mode of communication. However! Sometimes "old-timey" people get it right. Like those Puritans from the Salem witch trials? Now, I'm not saying they were morally "right"—for example, dunking a suspect in the lake, and if the "witch" happened to survive, immediately burning her at the stake. But I do maintain their methods were an effective means of anti-witchery. If I knew Puritans were running around burying people under heavy stones to test if they had supernatural powers, I might think twice about flying on my broom in order to consort with the devil.

The same should go for people who produce stupid television shows. This doesn't necessarily mean "burning them at the stake," but apparently being called "stupid" by TV columnists isn't much of a deterrent. Unbelievably, there are three such stupid shows debuting on the SAME EXACT DAY this week—with the MOST STUPID TITLES EVER.

This Sunday, July 15, at 8 pm, the Lifetime network debuts its newest show, Side Order of Life. No, I'm not kidding. I realize that Lifetime has made a killing catering to the lowest female denominator, but calling a show Side Order of Life is the most terrible title since The Vagina Monologues. Not that you care, but the press release says Side Order of Life is about "a young magazine photographer who reevaluates her life and impending nuptials after receiving 'a wake-up call from the universe.'" BRRRIINGGG! BRRRIINGGG! Hello, this is the universe calling—it's time to wake up and realize this is the stupidest idea for a show anyone's ever heard!!

Next at 9 pm, it's VH1's new dating reality show entitled Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. "ROCK OF LOVE"? What's that supposed to mean? I understand that Bret Michaels is the former lead singer of hair-metal group Poison. And I understand that he's going to choose his new girlfriend from 20 groupies living in his mansion. And I understand that somebody's gonna get a mean case of herpes. BUT "ROCK OF LOVE"??

And the hits just keep on comin'! Because then, at 10:30 pm, VH1 debuts another celeb reality show that really takes the stupid cake, called Scott Baio Is 45... and Single. That's not a title. That's a truth we hold to be self-evident. You remember Scott as Chachi from Happy Days and Charles from Charles in Charge. What you don't realize is there's a reason Scott is—as he so obviously puts it—"45 and single." BECAUSE HE'S A WITCH! No normal former child actor is alone at that age—therefore I decree that Scott Baio has entered into a contract with the devil! (Besides, I'm pretty sure I once saw him flying on a broomstick and then turn into a talking hog.) We must rid our hamlet of this Baio and his diabolical sorcery! In fact... that sounds like a pretty good reality show! How does this sound for a title: Scott Baio Is 45... So Let's Dunk Him in the Lake to See if He's a Witch?