jeremy eaton

You know, some people have the gall to accuse ME of not knowing how a television show actually works. Well, as it turns out, I do know how a television show "works." First of all, you get a bunch of retarded monkeys to bang out a script. Then you get a bunch of community-theater actors to hop around a set screaming and flailing their arms. Then after camera people videotape it, a bunch of electronic stuff happens, and voilà!: It shows up on my TV set to entertain me while I stuff my big, fat face with pepperoni Hot Pockets.

See? Making TV isn't really that complicated. In fact, at one point in my life, I actually worked for a local TV news station. So suffice it to say, I also know how local TV news "works." First, you hire a staff of retarded monkeys—preferably with journalism degrees. (These are the same retarded monkeys that couldn't get jobs at a newspaper.) Then you say, "Look! There's a fire truck! CHASE IT!" Then the retarded monkeys chase the fire truck, ambulance, police car, or whatever and then stand in front of the camera and say, "As always, a grisly murder/fire/car wreck is our top story... and we're on the scene... LIVE!" Then a bunch of electronic stuff happens and voilà!: It shows up on my TV set to disgust me while I stuff my big, fat face with pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Of course, there's more to local news than just that—there's also weather, sports, a health segment, and ads for products that are dressed up to look like news, but really aren't. But what I love best about local TV news teams are their attempts at feigning journalistic integrity—something they do by acting very serious and constantly reminding everyone how they're doing a great service to the community by gleefully describing every car wreck, rape, and murder.

That being said, you should definitely check out Anchorwoman, a new reality show from Fox (debuting Wednesday, August 22 at 8 pm), in which a former bikini model (with absolutely no journalism experience) is trained to become a local news anchor. The Texas news station is a low-rated CBS affiliate looking for a way to beef up its abysmally low ratings. So the owner rolls the dice and hires Lauren Jones, a gorgeous ex-model/ex-beauty-pageant-winner with zero news sense—but on the upside, she has really nice cans. Naturally, the snooty-snoots in the newsroom hit the roof, complaining loudly that their reputations will be permanently besmirched. However, when they realize no one is watching them anyway, they figure, "Oh, what the hell."

Meanwhile, competing stations and national news outlets have been all over this show like flies on feces, chastising the station for "violating the sacred grounds of journalistic integrity." SNORT! Yeah, right. The next time anyone notices any station with an ugly news anchor, please bring it to our attention. In the meantime, check out Anchorwoman to see if beautiful ex-model Lauren Jones can compete on the same level as a group of ambulance-chasing retarded monkeys. My guess is "yup."