jeremy eaton

[A NOTE FROM WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: There's nothing on TV this week. That's why I'm going on vacation! Until I return, please enjoy the following ITelevision rerun.]

Okay, listen up! This week marks the debut of Survivor: All Stars, wherein past Survivor contestants reunite on a secluded island and screw each other out of a million bucks. And to celebrate this occasion, here's another list of my pissy complaints about the show, which in the end only proves what a jealous and small person I am. But that doesn't make reading it any less enjoyable, right?

IT FETISHIZES SKELETONS! While many viewers are naturally attracted to the occasional nudity of Survivor, in reality, these people are only naked because their clothes have fallen off their starved, emaciated bodies! And though they may look normal on day one, by day 30 all you've got left is a bunch of nude skeletons walking around with big boobies. Which, okay, is kind of sexy. BUT IN A SICK WAY, SICKO!

ISN'T A MILLION DOLLARS ENOUGH? Along with returning favorites, Survivor: All Stars will also feature million-dollar-winners Richard Hatch, Ethan Zohn, and Tina Wesson—which is a pile of HORSE HOCKEY! These greedy pricks already won their million smackers—and now they want more?!? Maybe these people are putting their money in some kind of direct-deposit account... a direct deposit of COCAINE going right into the First National Bank of Their NOSE!

I DIDN'T LIKE THESE GUYS THE FIRST TIME AROUND! Over the past seven installments of Survivor, there have been 112 contestants—and how many have been truly memorable? A handful at best, and then only if they turn out to be bipolar monsters. So if the bipolar monsters are the ones making this show successful, then why in God's name are they staffing All Stars with dead wood like Rob Cesternino and Tom Buchanan—who I can't even fawking remember? Let's stop beating around the freaking bush! Let's break some crazy people out of a mental asylum (or perhaps your workplace), stick 'em on an island... and put on a show called Bipolar Monster Island!

Or... better yet! While bipolar contestants are really interesting, you know how sometimes insane people think they're superheroes? Well, how about a show where you break some crazy people out of a mental asylum (or perhaps your workplace), give them superhero costumes, and let them fight each other on a deserted island—which we can call Crazy Superhero Island!

OH! OH! And here's an even better idea! There's nothing funnier than a game of "donkey polo," right? So how about a show where bipolar mental patients dressed as superheroes play "donkey polo" against such Hollywood has-beens as Patrick Swayze, Fran Drescher, and funnyman Louie Anderson? And we can call it Celebrity Donkey Polo Island: Crazy Style!