jeremy eaton

[A NOTE FROM WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Remember last week when I said there was nothing good on TV for the week, and that I was going on vacation, and that you should enjoy this classic column from the ITelevision archives? Ditto.]

You know, there's been a lot of YAP, YAP, YAP lately about television's "plummeting morality." Well I say, LET IT FALL. I've had up to here (please imagine a spot just above my "inferior nasal conchae") with uptight naysayers with a chicken leg shoved up their ass telling ME what's proper for children to be watching on television. Let me tell YOU something, Mr. Naysayer-Man! I've got somewhere around 27 out-of-wedlock children floating around this country, and though I'm not in contact with any of them, they know they're free to watch whatever they want, whenever they want! (Just don't expect me to pay the Cinemax bill, freeloader. Now... bring daddy a drink.)

That being said, it's sweeps month over at the Fox network, when they do their damnedest to offend as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. First it was Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire. Then it was Celebrity Boxing. Now it's going to be Out-of-Control Ferris Wheel, in which the producers pack a mechanically damaged Ferris wheel with blind adults, cancer kids, and baby kittens.

Okay... that's not true. See, sometimes when I have offensive news to deliver I'll make up an even more offensive lie to lessen the offensiveness of the blow I'm about to deliver. That being said, one of my favorite reality TV shows of all time is coming back for another go-round this week: MAN VS. BEAST II.

"Oh for the love of sweet Jesus, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "Don't you know that it is morally reprehensible to humiliate animals in such a manner?" Well, my question for you would be, "Who's humiliating whom?" In last year's Man vs. Beast competition, was it not the towering grizzly bear who won the hot dog eating competition by downing 50 wieners in under two minutes? Was it not the wily orangutan who defeated the sumo wrestler in a tug-of-war match?

"Perhaps you have a point there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you crow in defense. "However! Was it not the Navy Seal who defeated the chimp in the obstacle course?" Well... I'll give you that one. BUT THAT WAS ONE GODDAMN LAZY MONKEY!

But... whatever! My point is that if there was any humiliating going on, it was the ANIMALS doing it! What about those 50 dwarves who were in a 747 towing match with an elephant? Where are the people screaming, "Hey, you bastard elephant! What did those midgets ever do to YOU??"

So on behalf of all the humans (normal and short) who got their asses handed to them by these furry-coated jerks last year, this Friday I'm putting my entire paycheck on MAN to win in the annual competition, Man vs. Beast II. After the thousands of years of getting bit in the ass by you garbage-eating varmints—IT'S PAYBACK TIME!