jeremy eaton

Let's talk about your doomed marriage. "Or better yet," you opine, "let's NOT, because you, Wm™ Steven Hump-Me, are really dumb when it comes to committed, monogamous relationships." Hmmmm... apparently you've perused my résumé. Fine, I will concur that when it comes to long-lasting so-called "healthy" relationships, I've been somewhat less than successful. (At least that's what the last three Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphreys and their lawyers tell me.) HOWEVER! Just because I've been thrice married, and have illegitimate children scattered across the country (as well as South and Central Asia), that doesn't mean I'm unqualified to give advice on your doomed marriage. In fact, it makes me EXCEPTIONALLY qualified because... well, let's face it... who knows more about screwing up perfectly good relationships than me?

In fact, I'm so good at screwing up relationships, I want my own TV show where I counsel troubled married people, and point out all the stupid things they're doing wrong. I'd be like Dr. Phil—except not an ugly, fat prick who deserves to be punched in his fat, ugly, prick-y face.

Anyway, my show would be called Your Doomed Marriage, where I'd listen to nagging wives and castrated hubbies bitch and moan about their stupid insignificant marital woes. Then I'd advise them to get a divorce, and sleep with the sexier of the two. HOW COULD A SHOW LIKE THIS LOSE? Of course there are a few new dumb-butt shows debuting this week that think they can actually compete with my super-awesome show, such as...

Tell Me You Love Me (HBO, debuts Sun, Sept 9, 9 pm). Think married people don't have sex? Well... okay, they don't. And this show is about that. Three couples complain about their sexless marriages to a sex therapist—but here's the twist! The couples actually go home, have sex, and we get to see it! THANKS, HBO!! (Downside: I'm not in bed with them.)

Decision House (MYNET, debuts Wed, Sept 12, 8 pm). Formerly entitled Divorce Wars (classy!), the more tediously named Decision House is a reality show where couples on the rocks spill their guts to Judge Lynn Toler (formerly of TV's Divorce Court) and a panel of marital experts and psychologists. Okay, here's what's wrong with this stupid show: (1) I don't need "a panel of experts" to tell me I've been having sex with people other than my wife. We hold this truth to be self-evident. (2) No one throws chairs. And (3) I'm not on the panel to advise them to get divorced and have sex with me.

The Steve Wilkos Show (Syndicated, debuts Mon, Sept 10, check local listings for time). Speaking of throwing chairs, you may remember Steve Wilkos as the "director of security" on The Jerry Springer Show. And apparently, stopping crazy hillbillies from murdering each other on TV equals getting a degree in psychiatry, because on his new talk show Wilkos will be counseling crazy hillbillies regarding their marital problems. I could do that, too. And here's what I'd say: "First of all, stop screwing your cousin behind the barn. Secondly, which one of you crazy hillbillies wants to sleep with me?"