jeremy eaton

Women: Taken as a whole, they are not retarded. I know this because I have, on occasion, conversed with women—before having sex with them—and can say without reservation that the majority of them are not retarded. However! One would not know this from the television shows proudly promoted on supposed "women's" channels such as WE and the Lifetime network. Besides cramming their schedules with weepy made-for-TV movies, and repeats of such estrogenic shows as Designing Women, The Golden Girls, Grey's Anatomy, and (brrrrrr) Reba, Lifetime and WE specialize in reality shows that pander to every stereotype inflicted upon women. For example, if WE and Lifetime are any indication, women are only interested in three things: believing whole-heartedly in psychics, boning cowboys, and getting married (preferably to a cowboy).

Anyhoo, this week marks a whole slew of new shows tailor-made for today's retarded woman—plus a couple for the not-so-retarded as well! Check it out!

Girl Meets Cowboy (WE, 10 pm, debuts Sun Oct 14)—In every episode, a gaggle of giggly city gals are dropped off at an Arizona dude ranch where they must compete for the affections of a straw-chewin' cowpoke. Humiliating, right? Well, just wait until these desperate girls fall face first into some ooey-gooey horse poop! Whoopee! HILARITY AND GENDER STEREOTYPING ENSUE!

America's Psychic Challenge (Lifetime, 10 pm, debuts Fri Oct 12)—Sixteen so-called psychics compete to see who is the... umm... "psychi-ist"? Each clairvoyant will be awarded points for locating misplaced objects, insightful psychic readings, and correctly picking out the man of a woman's dreams. I'm sure they'll also be happy to locate lost tampons, or identify boutiques where the most darling shoes are on sale.

Women's Murder Club (ABC, 9 pm, debuts Fri Oct 12)—A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle... a bicycle that can solve MURDERS. Cop Angie Harmon (formerly from one of those stupid Law & Order shows) forms a crack crew of women crime stoppers—a lawyer, coroner, and reporter—that can turn PMS into straight-up CSI!

The Salt-N-Pepa Show (VH1, 10 pm, debuts Mon Oct 15)—Now this could be a great show! Rap legends Salt-N-Pepa ("Shoop," "Whatta Man") decide to get the band back together again. The only thing getting in the way? "Salt" has a new relationship... with GOD. Puh-leeze! Why is God always screwing things up? Just kidding... I love God. Especially because "he's stacked and he's packed/especially in the back/brother, want to thank your mother for a butt like that."

Samantha Who? (ABC, 9:30 pm, debuts Mon Oct 15)—Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) stars as an amnesiac who wakes up to realize she was previously a real b-hole! (Note to readers who aren't scientists: Amnesia and mental retardation are NOT the same thing. Unless you were retarded before developing amnesia. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if you got amnesia, forgot you were retarded, and therefore suddenly became smart? Now THAT would be a good show.)