jeremy eaton

Good and evil: Both are necessary to maintain balance in the universe. But which one is better? Me, I'm kind of lukewarm on "good." While I do prefer "good" to someone going all Charles Manson and using my blood to scribble Beatles lyrics on my cubicle walls, being "good" is kind of a hassle. It involves not lying—which I'm not so good at—and let's face it, not lying cuts my daily sexual encounter quota by upward of 67 percent.

Now "evil," on the other hand, is pretty righteous. You can pretty much do or say whatever you want (as long as it isn't "good"), and it often involves my second favorite pastime (behind lying to gain sexual gratification), which is CHEATING.

Whether it's checkers, relationships, or work, cheating is the shortest way to get from point A to point B. Despite this truism, I've noticed a significant lack of cheating on TV reality shows. Even when there's a million dollars at stake, what do these poof-pants Survivor contestants say? "I just want to finish this competition with my dignity intact." OH, PUH-LEEZE! (A) You're stripping off your top to win a spoonful of peanut butter, and (B) It's a million dollars! I wouldn't give Charles Manson directions to my grandmother's house for that kind of scratch—I'd give him a ride!

Well, happily for cheaters everywhere, one of my favorite shows in the world has finally made the leap from Canadian television to the big time! It's called Kenny vs. Spenny, and if you're looking for a competition where cheating is not only allowed but heartily encouraged, then this is the show for you!

Kenny Hotz and Spencer "Spenny" Rice have been competing against each other since they were kids, and now their games are more asinine (and hilarious) than ever! Every week, they engage in a ridiculous competition, with the winner receiving bragging rights and the loser forced to perform a humiliating stunt chosen by the victor. Here's a short list of some of their past competitions: "Who Is the Best Male Stripper," "Who Can Be the More Convincing Woman," "Who Can Lift the Most Weight with Their Genitals," and the question everyone wants to know, "Who Can Wear a Dead Octopus on Their Head the Longest?"

Even better? While Spencer legitimately tries to win each competition fairly, Kenny is a no-good dirty bastard who cheats, cheats, CHEATS—doing anything he can (including sabotage) to win. As I mentioned before, you could only see Kenny vs. Spenny if you were a Canadian, or watching the practically unheard of Game Show Network. But now, these two fierce competitors finally have a respectable home on Comedy Central, where they're kicking off their fourth season with such grueling contests as "Who Can Eat More Meat," "Who Do Gay Guys Like More," and perhaps the most difficult task yet, "First Guy to Get a Boner Loses."

So what are you waiting for?! Check out the AWESOME Kenny vs. Spenny on Comedy Central, this coming Wednesday at 12:30 am, and then at their regular time, Sundays at 11:30 pm... and... oh, crap. I got so excited, I just lost the "boner" competition.