When it comes to this week's lineup of television options... I HAVE QUESTIONS. And not "rhetorical" questions either. These are more like "I demand ANSWERS" sort of questions. For example, why am I always finding used condoms on the sidewalk? This is not rhetorical... I really want to know! Are YOU one of those people flinging their used condoms around? Well... you should stop! I mean, it's one thing to step in dog poop or gum—though annoying, at least I can understand how they may have gotten there. But almost breaking your neck after slipping on a used condom? It's simultaneously gross, confusing, and life threatening!
Allow me to belabor the point: Let's imagine I'm having sexual coitus with you on a street corner—which in reality, has only occurred with maybe 20 percent of my readership... but bear with me. Upon successful cessation of this coitus, I would never lackadaisically fling my condom on the ground, for the following reasons: (1) Littering is wrong. (2) Police would finally have the DNA evidence they're looking for. And (3) You wouldn't have a souvenir to take home. (While we're on the subject, it's also not cool to sell celebrity used condoms on eBay—especially if you're not offering the celebrity a cut of the profits.)
SO STOP WITH THE CONDOM FLINGING, ALREADY. Either wear it home, wrap it discreetly in a tissue before disposing of it, or do like I do and carry around your used-condom collection in a Knight Rider thermos. THANK YOU!
Now... where was I... oh, yes! I HAVE QUESTIONS (and not just of the prophylactic variety, either). These questions are all about the baloney debuting on TV this week, AND I DEMAND ANSWERS! Take for example...
• SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA—FANS VS. FAVORITES (CBS, Thurs Feb 7, 8 pm). In this show's 16th season(!), 10 "fans" of the show compete against 10 "favorite" former cast members. QUESTION: Can you really call a group of people "favorites," when you despise them with every atom of your being?
• RANDY JACKSON PRESENTS: AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW (MTV, Thurs Feb 7, 10 pm). Okay... so American Idol's Randy Jackson isn't even in this hiphop breakdancing competition that features *NSYNC's JC Chasez, rapper Lil' Mama, and host Saved by the Bell's Mario "Slater" Lopez(!?). QUESTION: Mmmmmm... WTF?!?
• THE BONE EATER (SCI FI, Sat Feb 9, 9 pm). In this TV movie, a corrupt land developer unwittingly unearths an Indian burial ground (oopsy!), releasing an ancient bone creature who apparently really loves eating bones! QUESTION: Does this sound as dirty to you as it does to me?
• LIPSTICK JUNGLE (NBC, Thurs Feb 7, 10 pm). Yet another Sex and the City rip-off, this time starring Brooke Shields and two other no-name gals. Here's an actual quote from the show's press release: "Armed with humor and strength, these three modern New York women support one another through the triumphs and tears that are all part of making it big in the Big Apple." QUESTION: This show is the equivalent of a used condom—SO WHY ARE THEY FLINGING IT AT ME?!