Ever had a moment, after hearing news so utterly astounding, so unbelievably wonderful that you can only sit quietly and tremble with your hand over your mouth? Well, my friends, I recently had such a moment after learning that one of my favorite celebrities is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. It is a name that can only be uttered with the most groveling reverence. It is a name that strikes fear and awe into the gods themselves. It is a name that can only be whispered—for fear of the heavens crashing down upon our heads. And yet? It is a name comprised of three simple words:
Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg.
O! SWEET JOY! O! SWEET EXALTATION! Having Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg join Dancing with the Stars (debuting March 17 on ABC) is like... well, it's like an ancient warrior returning with the blood of victory dripping from his mouth! Women swoon! Children fawn! Men gnash their teeth in fits of jealous rage. THIS... is power. THIS... is luminescence. THIS... is the MAJESTY of Guttenberg!
WHAT?! Oh, ho, ho... I KNOW you didn't just say, "Who's Steve Guttenberg?" Because (ha!) if you did? You would be revealed as the most debased, most IGNORANT of blasphemers! Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg is ONLY the greatest actor of this or any other age, gracing such classics as Cocoon, Three Men and a Baby, and FOUR Police Academy films.
AND YET?! We haven't scratched the surface of glorious Guttenberg's career. Who could forget his whimsical innocence in the 1980 disco hit Can't Stop the Music (co-starring the Village People and Bruce Jenner)? Or his heartbreaking turn in Short Circuit as a heroic scientist who invents "Johnny 5"—an adorable robot who helps Ally Sheedy learn about life, and eventually bone the hirsute Guttenberg?
OH! And speaking of "hirsute," I stupidly forgot to mention der Guttenberg's greatest asset: His formidable, gorgeously hairy chest! Just search Google images (or repeatedly freeze frame and ruin your VHS copy of Cocoon, like I did), and you'll easily witness his pecs' bewhiskered magnificence. OHHHH, THAT WONDROUS BOSOM. It's like a swimming pool of lustrous hair—into which I would dive, sink to the bottom, happily breathing in its downy follicles... ohhh... sweet, welcoming death... HUH? WHA?? OH. Wow... I really drifted off there for a moment—as I'm sure you have whenever Guttenberg's glorious tufted breasts pop to mind.
ANYWAY, as you may have surmised, I think Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg is pretty awesome. And I can't wait to see him DESTROY those other half-baked, dead-ass celebs on Dancing with the Stars! Marlee Matlin, when Guttenberg hits the stage, you're gonna wish you were BLIND instead of DEAF—because your eyes are gonna pop out of their sockets and roll into Bruno Tonioli's mouth.
SORRY! But that's the way Guttenberg rolls, yo! So start preparing now, bitches—because in two weeks, we'll ALL be bowing before the fleecy nipples of our savior... in the CHURCH OF STEVE MOTHER-EFFING GUTTENBERG!