Jeremy Eaton

You know how I know the world is coming to an end? Because I'm SICK, and I don't get SICK. Sick is for those people who exercise, eat healthy foods, and smoke American Spirit cigarettes. But when I get sick? There's something seriously effed up in the world, and I'm pretty sure it's those government-engineered "smart" germs. Though I've done absolutely ZERO research on the subject, I remain fairly certain that the government has kidnapped a bunch of Nazi scientists, forcing them to create a biological weapon in the shape of a germ that is transmitted through pints of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey (which I ate 12 of last week). Anyway, one of these germs obviously hopped into my mouth, saw what it was up against, and then mutated into a super germ that successfully knocked me on my sweet 'n' juicy.

And though I currently have all manner of viscous fluids pouring out of every hole, there is an upside—and it's called DAYQUIL. Maybe I'm late to the game because I don't get sick, but DayQuil is the bomb diggity dog! Imagine if antifreeze were orange and had the consistency of motor oil. Now imagine this thick juice slowly climbing down your throat and brutally murdering everything in its path. Seriously, they ought to give DayQuil to cancer patients instead of chemo! Maybe DayQuil IS chemo—who the hell knows? All I know is that it WORKS.

Not only do I feel like a Mexican jumping bean on amphetamines, the world is a Technicolor lollipop land filled with groovy caterpillar people making love on a mushroom. Wait... dude... I CAN FLY! Wowwww... Is there anything this DayQuil shit CAN'T do?!? Hmm... better fly down and finish this column. Hey! It's season finale week, and here's what you can expect on the tube!

SMALLVILLE (CW, Thurs May 15, 8 pm). In the season finale, Lex discovers Clark's true identity and Brainiac impersonates Supergirl! WHOA. Brainiac, I know you're, like, really evil? But I totally wanna squeeze your cans.

THE OFFICE (NBC, Thurs May 15, 9 pm). Michael's arch nemesis, Toby, is leaving Dunder Mifflin, but he can't find anyone to plan the party. I'LL DO IT! First, let's start with some DayQuil rum punch...

BONES (Fox, Mon May 19, 8 pm). It's the season finale, but I don't ever watch this show. It's about a skeleton detective, right? Dude... that's trippy.

GOSSIP GIRL (CW, Mon May 19, 8 pm). In this season ender, Serena finally reveals to Dan the truth of her sordid past, Blair and Georgina face off in a final battle royale, and... AHHH! The skeleton detectives are chasing me!

AMERICAN IDOL (Fox, Wed May 21, 8 pm). It's the final episode of the year, and I really, really hope that cherub-faced Mormon David Archuleta wins. He sends me secret messages in his songs, you know. Right now he's telling me that that all my officemates are covered with spiders and the only way to get them off is with a machete. (Oh, don't worry! I'm going to drink another bottle of DayQuil before I do anything.)