Jeremy Eaton

Look, everyone knows there are only one or two television events per year worth getting excited about. And happily, BOTH ARE HAPPENING THIS WEEK! So not only am I "excited," I am practically apoplectic with glee! (Fine, I don't really know what "apoplectic" means—but I'm pretty sure it denotes an excitement so intense, it can only result in partial/full paralysis and underpants filled with poo and juice.)

Why so apoplectic? Reason number one: Mad Men is finally returning for its slam-bang second season (AMC, Sun July 27, 10 pm)! For those stubborn few who still refuse to purchase cable—and are looked upon with eye-rolling disdain by everyone around them—Mad Men is one of maybe three shows I can wholeheartedly recommend without reservation. (And no, Hurl isn't one of the other two.) Set in the early 1960s, Mad Men depicts the hedonistic world of advertising, and how the people who create the ads fall into their own materialistic traps. They smoke, drink, and have sex with barely contained glee—and that's just during office hours!

Mad Men is funny, shocking, gorgeously filmed, extremely smart, and if you don't watch it, I'm going to stab my eyes out with a protractor. (That's right, those of you without cable: Because of YOU, I will be BLIND. Happy?)

However, on the off chance I don't stab my eyes out, I'll also be devoting an obscene amount of time to my second favorite TV event of the year... SHARK WEEK (Discovery, July 27–Aug 2)! OMG! I freaking looooooove freaking Shark Week... and I have absolutely no idea why. Outside of aquariums, I've never even seen an actual shark. However, I remain convinced that the moment I stick a toe into the ocean, it will be instantly devoured (along with the rest of my leg) by a 90-foot-long great white.

Am I being unreasonable? Hey, I'm not the one broadcasting an ENTIRE WEEK of shark documentaries! The Discovery Channel obviously thinks I'm in mortal danger—otherwise they'd be devoting a week to bovine growth hormone in my Strawberry Quik. ANYWAY! There's a schooner-load of finny, toothy shows including the Mythbusters Shark Special (Sun July 27, 9 pm), in which the Mythbusters debunk (or bunk) such sharky questions as, "If you punch a shark in the snout, will it swim away crying for its mama?" (My answer: No.)

Plus, Discovery is showing no less than THREE documentaries about how to avoid becoming shark bait, including Surviving Sharks (Mon July 28, 9 pm), Day of the Shark (Mon July 28, 10 pm), and the aptly named How Not to Become Shark Bait (Tues July 29, 10 pm). BUT DON'T WORRY! They also have plenty of shows devoted to sharks biting the ass out of swimmers, which is all I really require from a Shark Week.

So don't call, don't write... don't even breathe as I enjoy the most apoplectic week of TV this year. Hmmm... I wonder if sharks are attracted to soiled underpants?