84-year-old Dorothy McKey-Fender has worms. That's the good news. The not-so-good news is that even though there are hundreds of worm variants stored throughout her McMinnville home in cans, bottles, and jars, she still hankers for the big one. Dorothy McKey-Fender wants a two-footer. She's spent half her life searching for the wiggly worm of her dreams.
For years, McMinnville's claim to fame has been the peculiar, diapered, masturbating monkeys that are housed at a local burger joint. If McKey-Fender has her way, Mr. Goodworm will put McMinnville on the map.
Driloleirus macelfreshi, the spineless subterranean Bigfoot of the Pacific Northwest, has remained elusive since its initial discovery by early pioneers, appearing only a few times in Oregon's history. The species wasn't "scientifically discovered" until 1937 when a live specimen was captured in Salem. Two other "official" sightings were made by McKey-Fender herself in the 1980's. It is described as two-feet-long or longer, with thick cilia-like hair used for locomotion, and is a pale white/pink in color.
According to the retired PSU professor and Oligochaetologist, it was her late husband Kenneth who first grappled with the elongated, wriggling meat-tube, which, when squeezed, constricted involuntarily, and shot a formidable spewing of gooey "saliva" in her direction, which (to McKey-Fender) smelled delightfully like "lilies".
"It was quite an experience."
Unofficial sightings of the mud-sucking giant have occurred over the years, as one former Yamhill County resident, Jasmine Hite, can attest. Hite, now a Red Cross worker, saw the giant worm in 1975, "peeking out of a hole" in her family's garden.
"I saw one," Hite squirms. "It was a fleshy colorCaucasian fleshy, extremely large, ringed like a worm, but much too large to be an average earthworm."
"It was thick. That's what was so horrifying about it. It was, like, a good fucking FOOT out of its hole!" says Hite. "Its perception was sharp and movements were quick," a fact McKey-Fender can attest to.
"They don't move very fast laterally," McKey-Fender says knowingly. "if you stimulate them, they can go down very rapidly."
Which brings us to the obvious question; If size really does matter, will McKey-Fender really be happy with a two-footer? "When someone gets a hold of it and stretches it, it can get bigger than that," she says. "There's an account of a child taking one and swinging it around his head, so it went to three feet."
It's little wonder that Driloleirus macelfreshi prefers to remain underground.