U.S.P. Mercury Division, Special Literary Correspondent
Undisclosed Poolside Location (Uno mas cerveca por favor)
Tactical achievements in modern warfare (using scientific advances) have created the ultimate Hydra-headed war machine. Excluding old-fashioned bullets and bombs--from financial fronts to robotic invasion campaigns, to micro-chip-cockroach-recognizance--war doesn't get much better than this. The most startling move to date against al Qaeda forces in Afghanistan is cruelly efficient, simple, and the psychological equivalent to a neutron bomb.
To prove its superior military might and patriotic pomposity, the USA is now prepared to fight a war with candy. In an unprecedented move, American snack favorite, M&Ms, will now be available in red, white, and blue colors, as a result of recent terrorist activity in NYC, DC, and Enron Accounting Headquarters. Experts say the candy will be available throughout the country, including Puerto Rico and Moscow. Unconfirmed reports suggest the confection will be included with PopTart & Peanut Butter mercy drops into refugee camps to really show the Pagan people who's boss. The candies may also be used to bomb caves where it is believed al Qaeda forces are hiding.
These Special Forces M&Ms will take care of Americans like the Marines never could--because they're candy coated, and they melt in your mouth, not in your hand. With color coded advances such as these, it is only a matter of time before we annihilate the hidden and evil terrorist empire that exists to promote an atmosphere of fear, taint American candy consumption, and to besmirch any subsequent rich-milk-chocolate-without-caramel enjoyment. Imagine the look on bin Laden's face when he gets a load of these M&Ms. Only then will he realize the enormity of his grievous errors.
For homeland defense, M&Ms' "Taking Care of America Every Day" campaign may include shotgunning the toothsome tidbits into the tight and contorted scrotums of captured Middle Eastern American SOWs (Suspects Of War). Thankfully, with the recent changes in interrogation laws, lifting of torture limitations, and investigative omniscience, not only can we hold SOWs indefinitely, we can recreationally shoot 'em in the balls with M&Ms until military tribunals can determine their guilt.
The remainder of the delightful candies will be enjoyed by Americans of all ages. Plans are in the works for a similar bombing campaign over Afghanistan, using Skittles, called "Operation Taste the Red, White, & Blue Rainbow." Does Will Vinton Studios still do M&Ms' commercials? If so, we can expect victory in Afghanistan by Easter.