Cancer & Cocktails-Die

As if having cancer weren't enough of a headache, suddenly scientists are coming down hard on cancer patients if they choose to drown their sorrows with a little Jack Daniel's or even a colorfully layered pousse cafe.

According to a recent study at Washington State University, drinking can "double the weight loss that a cancer patient normally [experiences], thereby decreasing their life span." Researchers came to these conclusions after giving a bunch of lab mice cancer (a great job in itself), then got the animals drunk (another winner).

I have to wonder if this is research for the sake of research. Who do they think they are, taking all the fun out of dying? Please, don't drink and die. Why? Because we say so!

Why not tell people stuff that could really help them, instead of chastising them for trying to send their souls off with the dignity of a good buzz? Like, "Don't screw sheep that have syphilis" or "Never shop for food when you're stoned?"

My humble opinion is as follows. Say I've got a month left to live. If my choices are to either start popping vitamins and taking brisk walks in the sun in order to get the whole 30 days--or do party-shots (and maybe even get laid) and live less than a week, I'm going to say good-bye and crack a few bottles. Time to move on.

I once heard of a college student guy who worked as a lab assistant part-time. His job was to stay awake all night with a mess of pregnant rats who were put in a barrel filled with water. His duties were simple. When one of them grew tired and reached for the side of the barrel for a rest, he had to flick their little hands off to keep them swimming.

This was supposed to measure endurance levels under stress, something the researchers seemed to possess little of. The researcher couldn't even stay up all night to measure his own tortures, let alone flick the mice fingers.

While we're on the subject of work, and since ditch digging is completely out for me, I'd like a job giving researchers cancer, or kicking their hands off the side of the pool. Let me know if you hear of any openings.