kalah allen

Dearest Roommates: As much as you think I just really love to clean the bathroom, I wanted to let you know the real reason I clean it is because apparently, I live with a bunch of children who think we are playing a game of house, and I am the mommy. Each week there comes a time when I can no longer stand to step out of the shower and have my foot covered in your pubic hair and toenail clippings. I do not know if you are wearing protective lenses when you hop into the steamy swamp bathroom, but somehow you overlook the hair carpet on the tile floor. Did your real mom ever teach you to clean your piss off the toilet rim? I know, you think maybe I feel validated every time the male goat smell of your old urine wafts up in my face when I am cleaning that porcelain dish that you shit in daily. Grow the fuck up. If you do not, I will lovingly begin transporting all of your facial hair and goat urine into your room, so the old parts of you can be reconnected, and our, ahem, our bathroom will be clean.—Anonymous