OUCH! THERE'S A CAN IN MY CAN!

ANN, ANN, ANN: You poor sheltered child [One Day at a Time, Ann Romano, July 20, in which a can of Barbasol shaving cream was found stuck in a man's rectum]! That is no "urban myth" as you described it, but solid medical fact! As a longtime employee of the OHSU medical library, I come upon stuff like this in medical literature all the time. Your mistake, you see, came from assuming he ATE it. Actually, er, the can entered from "down south!" The official term for this phenomenon is "unidentified rectal foreign bodies." It IS quite amazing the variety of stuff that gets stuck up there by the severely lonesome and/or deranged. I have seen x-rays of silverware, tools, a plumber's helper and even a light bulb (amazingly unbroken)! Some of the medical trade magazines occasionally have a round-up of such stuff in their "oddities" section, and I believe there is at least one web site for "aficionados" of such things. Yours in the service of truth

Jeff Colby


HEY LOOK! A HOMOPHOBE WHO CAN READ!

DEAR SIRS: I don't know why the Portland Mercury has a pro-queer bias [See every issue published so far]. If you would read Dr. Cameron's studies of the homosexual "death-style" and also a possible explanation of why homosexuals are what they are (see Dr. Fiore's book The Unquiet Dead--she is not a Christian!), you might just possibly come to an opposite "bias."

A Disgusted Reader


FROM ONE TRAINHOPPER TO ANOTHER

DEAR KATIA: I just read your article [Trainhopping, Katia Dunn, July 13] and wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed it. I'm a normal girl from the Midwest. I wish I knew how to express my feelings and experiences with the tramps as well as you, because I'm sure I could write a bestseller!

One other thing: That serial killer they caught may have been in the F.T.R.A., but they are not like that, nor are they all Nazis. As with all organized groups you have bad and good people.

I admire your guts for gettin' on that piggy-back, though. Man, that looks kinda scary, but I've heard the ride you took is about the most beautiful in the country. Believe me though, had you taken a boxcar down, you wouldn't have felt a bit guilty about taking that Amtrak back. It's been over two years since I rode one from Spokane to Helena and every time I hear the cars in the trainyard banging together, all I can think is "Thank god I'm not on that one tonight." Now in dry weather, the 48's is the one to takesmooth ridethe wind in your face!!!

Dana


WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: PORTLAND'S SEXIEST EDITOR

TO THE MERCURY: I think Mr. Humphrey [Editor of the Portland Mercury, and I Love Television™ columnist] is a gorgeous red or blonde headed man with fur. Is he? Can you print a picture of him? Can I meet him? I'd probably do whatever he wanted.

Anonymous

 

Wm. Steven Humphrey responds: Here you go, sweet thing. And if you're looking for something to do, my bunions could use a good rub. For an 8x10 b&w copy of this photo, send $5 and a self-addressed stamped envelope to "Bulk Male," c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210. Must be 18 or older.