TO THE EDITOR: So is that a wax figure of Eddie Money circa 1984 on the cover of your paper or what [Nov. 2]? Please tell me that isn't an actual person. Regardless, it's certainly one of your best covers so far.
The Mercury sez: It's a photo of Abe Lincoln crossed wih Gerard Depardieu.
HEY F-A-G! IT WAS A G-A-G!
DEAR MERCURY: What the fuck was that "National Parks Ruined" full page pin-up in the November 2 issue??? Is it a joke? I hope so. If not, how could you bow down to the OOOOOOOOOOCA. Just to have, anywhere in your publication, something that endorses measure 9 is utterly reckless. This F-A-G loves your R-A-G and is completely dismayed by that ad.
Naked in Nature is Natural
DON'T IGNORE THE BASSOON PLAYERS!
HEY JULIANNE: Thanks for the article about local bands ["Who Needs New York?" Julianne Shepherd, Nov 2]. I don't know if you had us in mind as one of the many great bands, but it's nice to have a positive article to affirm what folks are doing around town. I'm sad they're [The Rocket] gone too; they just always ignored us. They were like the sexy girl in school who ignores the bassoon player with the mad crush. We were the bassoon player. I'm not kissing your ass, incidentally, so I hope you will accept my earnest thanks for being an arts editor who doesn't hate art but actually, go figure, cultivates and encourages it.
WHAT'S ANOTHER WORD FOR "SARCASM?"
ATTENTION JULIANNE SHEPHERD: There is this novel invention called a THESAURUS. People use it when they are at a loss for descriptive words. Perhaps if you used one, your juvenile writing skills would not rely so heavily upon the words "fucking" and "goddammit" whenever you need to get a point across. I know it must be really cool for you to write for a newspaper that isn't censored by your high school principal, but your lack of imagination and your excessive use of boring slang is LAME! GET A CLUE! AND A PULSE!
Julianne responds: Actually, I do have a thesaurus, but "fucking" and "goddammit" weren't listed, god-fucking-dammit!
JULIANNE'S BUSTED! HA! HA! HA!
JULIANNE: I think you are a good writer. But I must be honest--you do shock me from time to time...
A VOTE FOR MONICA
DEAR EDITORS: Monica W. Drake is even less stupid than the son of President George Bush ["What's the Worst that Could Happen?" Nov. 2]! She has important thoughts on "hot-button issues," ranging from reproductive freedom to the true meaning of Buddhism and also she attends cocktail parties! She can write at the level of many of the hippest writers in Southeast Portland! I am urging therefore a write-in vote for Monica W. Drake for any and all offices. I would, however, like to know what other readers of your prestigious journal think about the question whether a vote for Monica W. Drake is a vote for Albert Gore. If I can be convinced that such a vote is indeed a wasted vote, I will vote for Ralph Nader.
WHAT THE VILLAGE VOICE SEZ, GOES!
TO THE EDITOR: Hmmm. It seems that the Village Voice has endorsed the Ralph Nader/Winona LaDuke campaign. Please follow their educated lead in the future on all important issues concerning the future and safety of earth's inhabitants. They are actually well-read and knowledgeable on such matters, and thus, YOU need to listen more in the future instead of speaking so loudly about things you know nothing about.
I know, I know, the truth hurts. But so does war, eco-destruction, and trying to survive month to month for the majority of the population. Good day to you...
The Mercury sez: Hmmm. That's a good point. Oh, and by the way, the Village Voice called and said you and the rest of earth's Nader-loving dumbshits should jump off a bridge. Better get movin'!