TO ANN ROMANO: I think you are wonderful. Your One Day column has a sarcasm that could only come from the brain of a super-genius. Keep up the political jabs and all-around funnery. You are exactly why I anticipate every goddamn issue. Happy holidays.
A CRUMMY-ASS RAG PUTTING PRICKS IN THEIR PLACE
DEAR JOURNALISTIC CRETINS: Ahem, I think I love you all. And here's why: You placed an ad for a commemorative Mercury plate [25th Issue Anniversary Issue, Nov 16] and used Willy Week's sometime publisher (President? Janitor? The fuck ever) Russ Martineau's name and contact number. Those in the know, like me, understand that Russ is a total prick. I had the shortest job interview with that self-important wanna-be journalist wank. After, like, 15 minutes I knew that even if I'd landed the job in display ads, I'd be dumping eggnog down his already stained Dockers at the first Christmas party. Kudos to everyone at your crummy-ass rag for realizing who needs to be put in their place. Jesus, I even advertise through you! The fuck am I thinking? Hey, who's the anarchist chick showing her boobs? Is that REALLY Vera Katz' daughter?
P.S. This will probably be the nail in my employment coffin. Warmest regards.
ASHLEY, ASHLEY AND ASHLEY: THEY DO EXIST!
TO THE EDITOR: Why does Katia Dunn get 3/4 page in your magazine to report on her big night out with her baby sister at the Eminem concert ["Eminem Goes From White to Worse," Nov 23]? I have several words to say but none so important as WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, and WHY DO YOU THINK WE CARE? Her account is so sensationalized and under-researched I felt compelled to question:
1)What is your idea of "Making" it? You say "Vanilla Ice might have made it, but he had one major flaw: He Sucks." Vanilla Ice made more money in a few short years than you will see in your lifetime, Katia. Vanilla Ice made it. (First white rap that made it big? Hmmm ever heard of the Beastie Boys?)
2) You say Dre, Snoop Dog, and BIG could never be what Eminem has become because "They're not White." I'd argue that Eminem is barely on par with the likes of Puffy, Lauryn Hill, and Jay-Z. They're not white.
3) Lastly this Ashley, Ashley, and Ashley (really) thing must've slipped into your subconcious one Saturday morning. I watch cartoons on Saturdays. I'm not proud of this, but I feel that with my confession may come justice. Disney's writers would be none too happy with your appropriation from their One Saturday Morning Recess Cartoon. Just a coincidence? C'mon.
Mr. or Mrs. Editor, please do your job and edit the shit out of Katia Dunn. God, I fucking hate Eminem. I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to write in.
BITTER HIPSTER NOTES EMINEM IS CONVENIENTLY WHITE
TO THE EDITOR: I found it ironic that your rare full-page coverage of a hip hop artist was about Eminem, who is conveniently white. It seems the Mercury believes all the bitter hipsters in P-town, wearing Mick-Jagger-circa-'66 shag haircuts and Beatles boots, only care about bands with guitars.
I'm white, I'm bitter, I wear tight t-shirts and I also love Radiohead, Pavement and hip hop. And not just De La Soul and the Roots, the hip hop all erudite white people like. What about KRS-One and Gang Starr, Katia? And remember, dear Mercury, just because something's popular doesn't mean it's bad
THE BEATLES RULE; HUMPHREY'S AN ASSHOLE
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: You asshole! How could you say that about the unquestionable rulers of all music!!!!!! [I Love Television™, Nov 16, in which Humphrey calls the Beatles "the most fucking awful band that has ever existed."]
I hope you die a slow, slow painful death!!!!!!
Wm. Steven Humphrey responds: But every day with the Beatles IS like a slow and painful death!