FROM THE EDITOR: It's "Customer Service Week" here at the Mercury, and that means we put you, the "customer" first! With this in mind, we've decided to devote our letters section to answering your most pressing questions. Enjoy and learn!
WHERE CAN I GET ME SOME CRABS?
TO THE MERCURY: Hey, do y'all know anything about the recent activities of The Crabs? Like do they have a new record planned, or perhaps some shows around the coast?
Dear Jim: According to K Records, The Crabs are on an extended hiatus so Jonn Lunsford can concentrate on his writing. He's just finished a book entitled Soundtracks to the White Revolution: White Supremacist Assaults on Youth Music Subculture. He and Lisa Jackson are living in Anacortes, Wash. Sarah Dougher still lives in Portland, releases solo albums, and plays with Cadallaca. (Who, coincidentally, you can see at the Mercury Holiday Party this Wednesday!)
WANT TO KNOW HOW TO BUILD A BOMB?
TO ANN ROMANO: Are you aware that an exploding tennis ball can be made by drilling a hole in a tennis ball, filling it with chopped-off heads of wood matches, mixing in gunpowder and then taping it up tight? [One Day at a Time, Nov 30] When a exploding tennis ball is thrown against a hard surface, the matchheads rub on each other, igniting the hamsterfists.
Yes, anyone can easily get that info off the websites. Yes, it is a tragedy. But I'm not surprised that cops get called to investigate explosions all the time... Hope this helps.
Dear Brian: Yes, I do know how to make a bomb out of a tennis ball, gunpowder and matchsticks. And if it weren't for the Mercury's crack team of censors, so would thousands more. Regardless, thanks for writing in.
WHO'S THE STUD WITH THE HOCKEY STICK?
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Now that you have publicly outed your entire staff in the anniversary issue ["25 Issues of Excellence," Nov 16] tell me, who's the stud with the hockey stick in the group photo? Do you ever pimp out your employees? I'm on a bit of a budget these days, so don't get greedy on me.
Dear D.: The stud with the hockey stick is news editor Phil Busse, and yes, I do pimp out my employees. All my bitches go for $150 a night, but in Phil's case, he's willing to negotiate a more extensive arrangement on the promise of room and board.
Wm. Steven Humphrey
CAN SOMEONE HELP ME WITH MY PRIDS PROBLEM?
TO THE MERCURY: Can you help me with my problem? I need that Prids CD Julianne Shepherd writes about ["Get Lost in Time," Nov 30]. If I can get any info on how to obtain what is surely a wonderful collection of tunes, I would be eternally grateful to the Portland Mercury. Thanks!
Dear Cosmic: Unfortunately, The Prids had some problems with their CD (track three had a glitch) and sent them back to the plant. Fortunately, they'll be back in about three weeks, and the Prids will have another CD release party, where you can see them AND buy the album! Stay tuned for details.
WHERE CAN I FIND MY TOFU PATE?
HEY MERCURY: How can I find out where to buy or order Toby's Tofu Paté? I live in the Bay Area of California and can only find it in Oregon. Thanks for your help!
Dear Trina: We talked to Adam from Toby's Tofu Paté distribution center, who told us "we just haven't reached the Bay Area yet." We asked about shipping, but Adam said that Toby's is "too perishable." Sorry! However, you might try Toby's fresh gourmet salad dressing, available at your local health food stores.