DEAR MERCURY: I'm sorry, this just isn't working. I had such high hopes for the Mercury. Somehow, we were all hoping for the Stranger in Portland. What we got instead was worse than any of us expected.
My disappointment with you folks is beyond these mere words. I have continually tried to send you listings for events at my shop; you have only now listed one out of about a dozen. The only reason I could find for your inability to list the most recent was that you needed to fit no less than TEN plugs for your CD in that particular issue. We know about the CD already!! Isn't that the same dozen bands you write up in every issue?
In your most recent issue, you literally gave a higher rating to a group of no-name local teenagers' first release than you did to George Harrison's All Things Must Pass. For Chrissake, grow up kids. You're hurting the "scene" in Portland by your ignorance more than you're helping it.
The Mercury responds: Hey Raymond: thanks for writing. We will truly miss having you as a reader. We remember when we first arrived in Portland, you were the only one who gave us any support. Everyone else hated us. They threw rocks at us, and pushed our face in garbage. But you didn't. You lifted us up, held us in your arms, and taught us how to love again.
Of course, we knew our love couldn't last forever. We knew that one day our annoying habit of giving away free events listings for businesses other than your own would begin to grate on your nerves. We knew that instead of promoting a CD that celebrates the local music scene, we should have given you a free advertisement that everyone else has to pay for. Even when we tried to give a glowing three-star review of that ridiculous old hack George Harrison, we knew it would never be enough.
Please, Raymond, tell us what would be enough. We love you and we want you back! We'll do anything. PLEASE! PLEASE!! PLEASE!! JUST TELL US WHAT WE HAVE TO DO!! Oh God! We really can't take this anymore! If you don't come back and read our paper again, Raymond, we swear to Christ we're gonna do something! We're gonna do something much like Angelina Jolie did in Girl Interrupted where she threatened to jab that pen in her aorta. But see, the difference is, we're really gonna do it!
Ohhhhh...who are we fooling? You know we won't do it. You've always known us better than we know ourselves. God, look at us! Look at what losing you has done to us! We're not eating or sleeping...all we do is sit around in dirty pajamas all day reading fashion magazines and smoking dope. We're miserable. DO YOU HEAR WHAT WE'RE SAYING??? WE'RE MISERABLE!!! DON'T YOU CARE?? YOU'VE RUINED OUR FUCKING LIVES AND YOU JUST...DON'T...CARE!!!!
Oh, God...we're sorry...we're so sorry...it's just...it's just that we love you SO MUCH, and the thought of actually losing you just drove us a little crazy there for a second. Look. Maybe we just need to take a tiny break, okay? You know, kind of like a short vacation so we can both get our heads together. We know we don't own you. You're like a butterfly; and how can any one paper possess anything so beautiful? So we're going to do the right thing: we're going to let you go. We truly believe that one day you'll realize we're the dirty yang to your pristine yin, and you'll come back to us. And if you don't come back? Well, let's not think about that right now. Because we know you'll come back.
Oh. You'll come back all right. Because after you read those other filthy whores, and grow tired of them, we'll still be here... waiting for YOU, Raymond. We'll be here because you'll never get rid of us. No matter where you go you'll see one of our boxes, or a copy of the Mercury trampled in the gutter. Our love is forever, Raymond Brigleb. FOREVER.
And forever never goes away
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS
In last week's issue (March 15), in a news article entitled "Unwelcome Atheists," the photo credit was incorrect. Chris Hornbecker took that swell picture, not Chelsea Mosher. Also in our CD review in the same issue, we gave a three-star rating to the new George Harrison CD. That was incorrect. We should have given it 3 billion stars. And finally, we neglected to include an additional shameless plug for the Mercury's fine "Compact Disc of Sound" which features 16 great Portland bands, is only 7 bucks, and can be purchased at Music Millennium, Ozone Records, Turn Around Sound, Sonic Recollections, Locals Only, Jackpot Records, Everyday Music, Half and Half and many more. Or simply click here. We regret the error.