TO THE ART STAFF: I am writing because I have noticed an unsettling trend in your cover art--that being an unusually high content of pastel colors. Now don't get me wrong, I am a fan of most colors pastel, but think you may be taking it to far. Is there a reason for your preference, like cheaper ink, or do I just have faulty perception?
BY GEORGE, I THINK HE'S GOT IT
HEY PHIL BUSSE: Thanks for the nice write-up. ["House Party," Bike-In Theatre, March 15] I'm impressed. I was thinking, "Oh shit, he's not gonna get it." But you did, you got it pretty good. Now I'm thinking, "Oh shit, where's everybody gonna stand? Whose idea was this? What the fuck?"
GET YOUR COOKIE-NOOKIE ASS OUT OF PORTLAND!
TO THE MERCURY: Personally, as a local music fan and aspiring musician, I loved the CD [Portland Mercury "Compact Disc of Sound"on sale now, BTW]. You guys fucking rock! These are the bands who are carrying the banner of good music by playing from their hearts and souls. Simon can fuck off [RE: Letters to the Editor, Simon Fell, March 15], and get his Dave Matthews hoodie-sportin' ass outta Portland! Maybe he'd prefer to see Limp Bizkit's lead guitar player and his band, "Dumbass" or whatever when he comes and shakes his cookie-nookie ass at the Roseland.
POOR, POOR TOWING COMPANIES
TO THE EDITOR: [RE: I, Anonymous, in which the writer complains about getting her car towed, March 8]. The facts are that many property owners have constant problems with people believing that they can use their business property at will, leaving bottles, cigarette butts, and other debris in their lot. So the only answer has been to contract one of the towing companies to patrol the lot and keep it cleared of parking violators. People get pretty upset about their car getting towed and want to blame everyone except the person who chose to ignore the warning signs. The property owners have every right to restrict parking, and the towing companies that do this type of work have chosen service to property owners as one of their blocks of business. To refer to the tow drivers as "scavengers" is untrue, unfair, and impolite.
SINCE WHEN DO INTERNS GET PAID?
[The following is a letter from our unpaid soon-to-be- former intern, Josh Woodard. --Editor]
TO THE READERS: For weeks now I have unselfishly provided you, the citizens of the great Portlandia, with a series of informative news pieces free of charge. It is now my turn, however, to beseech just recompense.
If I cannot garner at least $8,000 cash up front by May 1st for payment of school tuition, I will be forced to abandon Oregon's second fiddle to the sweatshop symphony: the Mercury.
Perhaps you are thinking to yourself: "$8,000? That sure is a lot of money." Is it though? Let's do the math. If every reader contributes a meager twenty-five cents, I will have already met my goal. Pretty reasonable, right?
Just think, your investment will not only insure a continual flow of news stories; it will also enable me to finish compiling my tell-tale book of life behind the scenes at the Mercury--including stories of sex, betrayal, and Wm. Steve Humphrey's secret pornography ring.
Do not hesitate! Send large amounts of unmarked bills today to:
c/o Mercury Intern Education Fund
1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite #2
Portland, OR 97210
The Mercury responds: As our readers have probably already gathered, the Mercury is looking for a new editorial intern. Send a resume, any writing clips, and letter of intent to "I Want Josh's Job" care of the above address.
We're also happy to report we are now hiring an editorial assistant, who, unlike Josh, will be paid. Check the paper (page 34) for details!
And finally, time is running out to enter the Mercury/Hormel Chili All-Adult Spelling Bee! We've got a cornucopia of great prizes for the winner, and the competition is guaranteed to be a goddam hoot. Pick up the paper and see page 38 for details! Employees of Hormel Chili and the Mercury (especially Josh Woodard) are ineligible.