HEY MERCURY: To the guy who bemoaned the fact that the Merc picked Hell's Belles over Medeski Martin & Wood [Letters, April 26]: The show was sold out? Then I guess they didn't need any extra publicity, did they? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was a great show if you like Abercrombie & Fitch, or if you're thinking of moving to Boulder.
DON'T ASK, DON'T READ!
HEY MERCURY: Are you really so arrogant as to run an entire article on "Is There a God?" ["The Big Question," April 12] What exactly were you hoping to accomplish? Thought you might be the first to crack the big one, did you? I didn't even read that shit, and started writing this hate mail 'cause I knew no matter what it said it'd be bullshit!
Newsflash: We're not meant to know the answers.
The meaning of life is that sense of satisfaction you get from accepting the fact that you'll never know the meaning of life!
And no, that's not the answer either! Please, PLEASE stop trying to impress the public with half-assed attempts at pseudo-intellectualism and stick to what you know (i.e. running ads for local prostitutes).
Simple Mix, the humble dude
BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE WHOOPEE!
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: [RE: "I Love Television™," April 19, in which Humphrey wonders whether apes and humans in the new Planet of the Apes movie should "get it on."] We all know that bestiality within the context of our "real" world is just plain grody--oh no! But thanks to movie magic, the union of that hunky Marky Mark and Helena Bonham Carter in a monkey suit could be new and exciting. However, there are certain perimeters we must consider if Hollywood decides to step upon this slippery slope:
First off, monkeys are not sexy. Their asses look like partially peeled red potatoes, and I don't know about you, but potatoes and monkey asses do not make me horny.
Second, relative to humans, primates have smaller genitalia. This means that Marky "Dirk Diggler" Mark could quite possibly hurt poor Helena and that, as far as I'm considered, would be a capital crime.
Third, monkeys throw and eat feces... This means any advanced race of monkey-men and women would likely be fecal-freaks. Not (often considered) sexy!
Well, you might say, "Just give Helena a sexy non-monkey specific ham, and have no references to feces whatsoever." Well, I would ask "How much disbelief am I going to have to suspend?" I mean, good grief, if the ape-monkey-people are exactly like us, why bother making a movie about it at all? We may as well just send Marky Diggler Dork to Mississippi and have him bone a local! Christ, the advent of six fingers, banjos and moonshine is more enticing than a monkey ass!
So, I am against this whole ape-human sex thing. However, if you could get Helena in a monkey suit and send her to my place, that would be okay.
WE MEANT TO SAY "HILLBILLIES"
TO ANN ROMANO: Okay, it is very unfortunate that Steve Buscemi was stabbed and it may be arguable that the offenders are morons ["One Day at a Time," April 19, in which a bunch of "hee-haws" attacked Steve Buscemi]. However just because they are from the south does not make them "hee-haws." I am from the south--Wilmington NC, in fact--and normally I would not care, but in this age of PC (and especially here in Portland) how can we so blatantly call people from the south "hee-haws?" I know Ann may be referring to the offenders in this case, but if they were Asian, black, or Mexican would she have used the words chink, spook, or wetback? I doubt it. So if you want to be PC and kiss ass, do it fairly. Oh yeah, and they should have settled it with their fists. Just because someone is famous doesn't give them the right to mouth off!
FUNGUS AMONG US
DEAR ANN ROMANO: [RE: "One Day at a Time," April 26, in which Ann wonders is hallucinogenic mushrooms are vegetables.] Mushrooms are not vegetables. Mushrooms are fungi. Vegetables are plants. Fungi are not plants. Fungi areweird. But not plants.
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS
In our April 26 coverage of the FTAA protest in Pioneer Square, we made a typo boo-boo. We stated 100 people showed up, when we meant to say 1000. That's a big difference, and we offer our biggest apologies.