DEAR MERCURY: First, why did you even publish Joe Wallace's asinine letter? [Letters, The never-ending battle between Joe Wallace and "Tinks" about Medeski Martin & Wood]. All dirty hippies and rich, asshole bullies should be banned from your magazine forever.
I vividly remember high school with Mr. Wallace and his bullying, Abercrombie-wearing friends. I was different and it hurt. Being an openly bisexual Latino male in an all-boys prep school will do that. They made fun of my tight pants, purple hair and make-up. They were cruel and don't know anything about life. The sooner they realize life is pain and bleakness, the better for the rest of us. I sincerely hope Mr. Wallace will give some real musicians (Modest Mouse, GBV, the Butchies, Pansy Division to start) a chance and maybe his world will be happier.
HONEY, SEND THE KIDS OUT FOR BEER
DEAR EDITOR: The OLCC effectively uses volunteer minors to conduct liquor law compliance checks. We certainly are not "knowingly breaking the law" as you claim ["21 Drunk Street," Katia Dunn, April 5]. The Oregon department of Justice has advised the OLCC that such a program is indeed lawful. The minor decoy program draws much of its effectiveness just from alcohol sellers knowing minors may be attempting to purchase alcohol. That's why OLCC pre-notifies liquor store agents and licensees when they are eligible for the minor compliance checks.
While we appreciate the stress Audrey Wilcox experienced after failing to check a minor's ID, we hope you will let us go on record that the OLCC is not the one who "made her life a living hell." OLCC did not arrest, search and book her overnight in a local jail as you imply. Since she is not a licensee or agent, OLCC writes a ticket, and sends it to the appropriate district attorney for processing.
Although your article claims the chair of the Ways and Means Subcommittee wanted to hold our budget hostage, the subcommittee passed it April 20. Rep. Tom Butler, who you claimed worked for Sen. Clarno last session on an enforcement plan and felt as if their plan was ignored, carried the budget himself to the house floor where it passed April 27. In fact, it was the subcommittee chairperson, Sen. Clarno, who carried the budget to the Senate floor, where it was approved May 3.
Philip D. Lang
Katia Dunn responds: As I see it, your response ducks the central issue: Is it ethical for the OLCC to use minors in sting operations? By "knowingly breaking the law," I meant the OLCC operates under a legal double standard: The OLCC is allowed to send minors into stores themselves, but penalizes stores who sell to minors. As far as your concerns about Reps. Clarno and Butler, I didn't report they held the bill hostage, but had concerns before it was approved. Clearly, they resolved these issues before the hearing, and well after my article was published.
IN WATERED-DOWN DEFENSE OF AQUAMAN
DEAR MR. HUMPHREY: Let me begin by stating you are a fucking moron [I Love Television™, wherein Humphrey states that "Aquaman sucks," May 17]. For EIGHT YEARS we've argued about Aquaman, and whether or not he is a worthwhile superhero. You say no, I say yes. I am obviously right, you are terribly, ridiculously wrong. And here's why:
Reason #1: You believe Aquaman is somehow "lesser" due to his ability to speak to undersea animals (Quote: "I'm sorry, but I can't respect any superhero who has to ask a flounder to do his dirty work."). Hogwash. Aquaman does not coerce flounder, but rather, is joined by the animals of the sea during times of crisis in order to conquer a common enemy.
Reason #2: You believe Aquaman cannot fly, and therefore cannot be as "cool." Wrong! A) Aquaman can, indeed fly; and B) Many "cool superheroes" do not fly, such as the Hulk (elaborate jumping skills do not count), the Thing (see the Hulk), and Bruno Kirby.
The sooner you embrace this, the sooner you'll realize that I am, as always, correct.
Wm. Steven Humphrey responds: AQUAMAN DOES NOT FLY, YOU DUMBSHIT!
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS
In our May 17th theater review of The Bald Soprano, we accidentally put in a picture of Angela Lansbury in Sweeney Todd. How'd that happen? Hell if we know. Regardless, sorry!