HEY MERCURY: What's the effin' deal? Sometimes your magazine sucks, sometimes it rules. Like "It Burns When I'm Peein' with Nancy McKeon"? [March 8] I love pee jokes, but that wasn't remotely funny. Then you print "That's Yo Mama by the Dalai Lama" [May 17]--perhaps the most gut-busting thing I've read in my whole life, and put most humor rags to shame. Is your editor a schizophrenic? Oh, and by the way, I hear Benicio can't maintain an erection can you confirm or deny?
The Mercury responds: For an explanation of our effin' problem, see "A Note from the Editor" on page 5. And trust us on this one: Benicio can maintain an erection.
I HAVE TWO TESTICLES
TO ANN ROMANO: You say Tom Green has only one testicle ["One Day at a Time," May 24]. Do you know this for a fact? Maybe you should say "one functioning testicle," or "one organic testicle." I, myself, have two testicles. The one on my right is the testicle I started with, while the other is a silicone implant installed seven years ago. Yet do I say, "I had the ball (denote singular) to run outta there..." or I feel bally instead of ballsy? NO! I have two balls, and maybe Tom Green has two balls. Please, refrain from picking on us uni-organic testicled men. It's hard enough on us already.
The Fucking Mutant
UH, OH... SOMEBODY GOT THEIR FIRST BAD REVIEW
DEAR MERCURY: The review of my band Pinehurst Kids' latest record proved to be as inept, insipid, and incompetent as I have come to expect [CD Review, May 24]. Let it be noted I knew you would never like anything my band did because we were here first, which means you couldn't pretend to be the first ones there, and thus you can't be taking credit for telling everybody how fucking amazing your boyfriend's band is. [Editor's note: Joe's referring to Julianne Shepherd, when in fact, the author of the review was Jamie S. Rich.] It should also be noted that track 10 is called "Shepherd to Lost Sheep." Is it any coincidence the Mercury has someone on staff with the same surname?
HELL NO! We wrote and recorded the song before you ever bothered to waste ink on yet another band you despise. I won't even grace the Buffy references except to say at least one of my songs has been featured on the show. And if you actually have the balls to print this, I probably won't be able to read your self-effacing and shit-eating response because I'll be on a nationwide tour with my "shitty" band.
The Mercury responds: Don't leave town yet, Joe! You can pick up this week's Mercury at Berbati's, where you'll be celebrating your CD's release on Thurs, May 31!
THRILL-VILLE LESS THAN THRILLED
TO THE EDITOR: After reading your article about Thrill-Ville USA, I am livid [Travel Issue, May 17]. It makes it look like a cheap roadside dump, with two rides and beer for sale. The author, Mykle Hansen, has done little if no research, and his story is filled with un-truths.
For starters, Thrill-Ville has never sold beer; there is no 7-11 on the premises. The article says the park is almost never open, when we are open all summer long.
The chipped concrete animals Mykle speaks of are in fact fiberglass animals that are a part of our mini-golf course and not in a "zoo." As for Enchanted Forest posting they are not connected to our park and the feeling being mutual; we are happy to have them as our neighbor, and have a good working relationship with the owners.
His statement about bringing hookers to our park really did it for me. How dare he assume we would condone this sort of aberrant behavior at our park?
I encourage you to visit and see for yourself that Thrill-Ville USA is a family-oriented park, with rides, waterslides, picnic areas, and a great wholesome atmosphere--quite the opposite of what the article says.
Mykle Hansen responds: While I often use exaggeration for comic effect, sadly, my exaggerations got out of hand. I'm very sorry if I offended you, or sullied the name of your fine park. Meanwhile, I encourage all Mercury readers to visit THRILL-VILLE for themselves.
DEPT. OF CONGRATULATIONS!
Congratulations to the Mercury's Katia Dunn for winning the Golden Quill Award for her September 7 story entitled "Bigotry Badge." And while the thought of the Mercury winning anything other than the occasional scratch ticket strikes us as extremely weird, we are nonetheless proud as shit for Katia!