DEAR MERCURY: Just one question... Why is it that everytime Beau Hincklydickle [Beau Von Hinklywinkle] picks his nose in a public place, the Mercury feels inclined to forcibly "recommend" that its readership run out and pay expensive money to watch? I've come up with three possible explanations:
The first is that Beau Dickleyknick is sport-fuckin' some faceless Mercury staffer in an unabashed attempt to land a little free press. If that is the case, he is obviously a very gifted lover.
#2. Beau Pinklyvandinkle is paying large dollars for the kind words. I can see it in my head some smoky backroom with a single unshaded light bulb hanging from the ceiling, barely illuminates a shirtless Beau counting out large piles of $50 bills.
#3. Possibly the most sinister possibility. Beau is some kind of sexy robot created by the Mercury (or some higher agency) and is conducting experiments upon the innocent citizens of Portland. Perhaps he is powered by solar energy stored in his "glasses." Have you ever seen him take them off? Have you ever tried to touch his "glasses?" It stings to the touch. Not to mention their hypnotic power. And who knows what kind of subliminal messages are hidden in his "films."
If it sounds like I have a personal grudge against the Man as well as his "ART" (what a crude euphemism for trying to turn a buck), it's because I DO! Beau Von Dickly is a big time professional asshole.
GET WELL, BENICIO!
Editor's note--The Mercury will happily send your "get well" wishes to Benicio Del Toro, who broke his wrist while filming at Silver Falls. Send 'em to "Get Well, Benicio!" c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, 97210.
DEAR BENICIO: Hope you are resting well!! My first hike in Oregon 10 years ago was in Silver Falls. I was with my new boyfriend and madly in love. Unfortunately, I fell on my ass while taking in the beauty of the area. So I know how dangerous our great outdoors can be. We here in Portland hope you are still loving our home. Ann Romano and the crew at the Mercury keep us up to date on all your comings and goings in the most respectfully humorous way (see issue #44, vol. 1). Keep that mischievous, sexy grin shining! XOXO!
KRISHNA JUST A "BLIP" ON THE HINDU RADAR
DEAR EDITOR: Thank you for your article on ISKCON ["Murder, Sex, and Free Food," June 21, in which Frank Bures explores the world of the Portland Hare Krishnas].
The article was quite accurate: After the gurus took over (after Prabhupada's death) the situation got rather "crazy"--a lot of devotees were upset due to poor administrators and other problems. From a theological viewpoint, ISKCON is a small sect within the vast Hindu religion. Actually it is Krishna and Balarama on the altar; Krishna is seen by mainstream Hindus as an incarnation of Vishnu, not as "God."
NELLY FURTADO: MASTER OF THE THIRD REICH?
HELLO WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY: I read your article in the Mercury about Nelly Furtado being the new Adolf Hitler ["I Love Television™," June 21]. First off why Nelly? She's WAY underrated, and hasn't ripped off anyone. You could have picked on SOOOOOO many other people than her. Like Britney Spears, Christina, and whoever the hell else. But Nelly and Lenny Kravitz? What the hell? You have just bashed two of the most talented artists ever. I made every one of my friends read your STOOPID article and you'll be hearing from all of them. Adolf Hitler? That is a little MUCH don't you think?
WORKER PRODUCTIVITY RUINED BY MERCURY
TO THE EDITOR: Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you how much I love reading your online edition. I stumbled upon the Mercury during a very tedious night at work, and since then have gone back to read nearly every word you guys have ever put up on the site. And I don't have anything to do with Portland! I don't know anyone who lives there, I've never been there, and I have no plans to travel there. Except now I find myself intimately acquatinted with your fair city, and even know all the cool and fun things to do within a three-hour drive. Anyway, keep up the good work, because I've got a lot more work time that I need to occupy with internet surfing.