JEFFERSONIAN IDEALIST BEGS FOR A BIT OF HAMILTONIANISM
DEAR MERCURY: Can you please add a modicum of sense to your tirades over the city's proposed noise ordinance?
Involving the Portland police in anything nowadays is really frightening--interestingly, Phil Busse ["On My Soapbox," July 12] barely mentions this aspect of the ordinance--but elevating his desire to be obnoxious to the level of a right?
As the population grows, it's occurred to lots of us Jeffersonian idealists that it might be a good idea occasionally to think of our neighbor's needs, even if it leaves us open to the slurs of Hamiltonianism!
I'd like to point out that at the same time our society has gotten, in Phil's words, "more sterile, and decidedly duller," the individual's corporate-given "right" to make noise has been strengthened astronomically. Stereo stores advertise blowing your neighbor away as an asset. McDonald's latest promo gives people the choice between three noisemaking machines that, should you try to escape your neighbor's stereo, will be there to meet you on Oregon's trails and waterways. If our society's getting "duller," I wonder if swallowing the corporate pump-up-your-life-because-it's-your-right line just might have something to do with it.
On the other hand, I wonder if anyone agrees with me that a little peace and quiet can lead to some very interesting things. It might be a value worth our attention.
ONE VOTE FOR SOILED MATTRESS!
TO THE EDITOR: [Re: Which columnist should be shit-canned; Osama Bin Laden, or the Soiled Mattress Down by the River? July 19] While I found Bin Laden's response to be quite insightful, I will have to side with the Soiled Mattress. I think we know how Bin Laden will respond to just about any question posed, but soiled mattress is unpredictable, and dare I say it, even MORE insightful than Bin Laden. I just can't WAIT to hear what soiled mattress has to say next!
ONE VOTE FOR OSAMA BIN LADEN!
TO THE EDITOR: I like Osama, he really sets my ass on fire. Why do you want to sacrifice such a hero of the people for a soiled mattress down by the river? This is ludicrous.
Jambo, the shitting chimp
ONE VOTE FOR KEEPING THEM BOTH!
TO THE EDITOR: Is there any way that maybe the Soiled Matress and Bin Laden can join forces? I'd like to see Bin Laden relaxed and reclining on the Soiled Mattress Down By The River. And perhaps, the Mattress could see the light of Islam as the only true way, adopt Sharia Law, and begin wearing a full-body veil. (Otherwise known as a "mattress cover.")
Boycotting the vote
MERCURY IGNORES INTERDIMENSIONAL AIRPORTS!
TO THE EDITOR: I am writing to protest the Mercury's cronyism and corporate greed. You recently published an ad for PDX International Airport ["Best of 82nd Avenue," July 19] that states it is the only airport within a one mile radius of itself, when you know this to be untrue! I have tried repeatedly to place an ad in your publication for my airport, the ECS Interdimensional Airport, and you have consistently refused. You even make up lame policies, saying you don't allow ads for businesses that exist outside of normal space/time or for businesses smaller than a breadbox. And the accusation that my airport shifts "every two minutes" is just not correct.
Ernest C. Smitten
Owner, ECS Interdimensional Airport
P.S. We're working on a deal with McDonald's to open an interdimensional burger joint at our Hawthorne and 34th location. It's going to exist for about ten seconds.
THE MERCURY'S ANNUAL "I'M A DRUNK" ESSAY CONTEST
TO OUR READERS: Are you a drunk, light drinker, or ex-drunk? Then you're eligible to enter our essay contest! In 800 words or less, compose an essay on the following theme: "This is Something that Happened to Me One Time When I was Drunk." Perhaps your essay will turn an errant drinker away from the bottle! Or maybe it will influence a new generation of drinkers who don't know Glenlivet from rubbing alcohol! Who knows? What we do know is that the winner will be published in our August 16th drinking issue, and will receive $100 and a box of light bulbs! Send your essay (with return address and daytime phone number) to "Crap. I'm a Drunk." c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210, or email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Your deadline is Tuesday, August 7, so get typing, you dirty stinking drunk!