STOP YER DICKIN' AROUND!

TO THE EDITOR: I've noticed a few flaws in your most recent issue. First is Simon Gasken's preview of the Real Pills/Ex-Models/Starve show at the Blackbird ["Up & Coming, " July 26]. Are Mr. Gasken's comments directed at any of the particular bands, or is it just a rant about garage rock as a whole?

I'll give him that garage rock is, by nature, a genre which doesn't allow for much experimentation. However, bands that just dick around on guitar for an hour sound, to me, exactly like every other band that dicks around on guitar for an hour... whether it be the latest Chicago post-rock darlings or the fucking String Cheese Incident.

Secondly, a comment on M. Lon Free's synopsis of Goodbye, Columbus ["I'm Staying Home, " July 26]. Listen, buddy. If you bad-mouth The Association in print, I'm going to have to kindly ask you to step in front of the next streetcar. Since when has it been "cloying" to employ orchestration and song-craft? Just listen to "Hear in Here" from their 1968 "Birthday" LP... that thing friggin' rocks!

Jason A. Tinkey


IS JULIANNE DEFORMED OR WHAT?

TO THE MERCURY: I read the paper cause I like One Day at a Time. Sometimes I don't know whether or not the information is accurate, but it's always on stuff that won't affect my life anyway. (Gosh, I think I get the point now.)

I'm calling to confess my thought crime about Ms. Shepherd and the way she always puts a finger on her lip for her photos ["Music Trivia Challenge," July 26]. It was pretty annoying, then something snapped and it became cute allofasudden. It's disturbing and weird. I just wanna know, is she a normal girl?

Anonymous

Julianne Shepherd responds: See, I have this problem where I'm missing two knuckles and have two extremely stumpy fingers. Of course, this makes it incredibly difficult to play the guitar, piano, and violin. (However, since the violin is a smaller instrument, it's easier than the others, but I have less control over my fourth finger on my left hand, so it's hard to make the vibrato.) If I position my hands like I did in the photo, it hides the stumpy fingers (although you can still tell my pinky has no knuckle.)

None of this changes the fact that I didn't know Tupac Shakur was in the Digital Underground.


NOBODY CRITICIZES ANI DiFRANCO!

TO JEFF DeROCHE: Your lambasting of Ani DiFranco was beyond superficial ["Up & Coming, " July 12]. Blind and unconscious attitudes like yours will keep Feminism alive with a vengeance. In one paragraph you managed to accuse DiFranco of being a crazy bitch, a silly lovey-dovey dreadlocked little girl, and a condescending mother. You end your article with the ultimate misogynistic cry, "Someone silence this woman. " She is not the enemy, and I doubt very much you are either. But what is it? Do you get hard when you hold your five inch pen in your hand? Please, take your little dickie pen and go fuck yourself. DiFranco has more compassion, integrity, diligence, and intelligence in her left tit's nipple than you will acquire in your next five lives.

D'Ann Davis


A SNIVELING LETTER OF CORRECTION

TO MY BOSS: Hey! Justin Sanders here. Wow. Looks like I royally fucked up last week's theater review ["Theater Review, " July 26]. Any way we can run a correction? With this production--Delusions of Darkness--I have made a multitude of mistakes: I got the venue where it's playing wrong [should've been the Backdoor Theater], I got the production company wrong [should've been Asylum Theatre], and in the review I gave a rave compliment to the WRONG ACTRESS [should've been Dierdre Atkinson]!

I feel really bad about this I wish I could reprint the review. As an actor, I know how much it would suck if I saw my name getting raves in a review and then realizing that the dumbshit critic got my name mixed up with someone else's. Sorry!

Justin Sanders
Mercury Theater Editor


Justin's boss responds: Start looking for a new job, asshole!




CALLING ALL DRUNKS!

Okay, drunky! This is your last chance to enter our "Crap! I'm a Drunk" essay contest. Send us 800 words on the following theme: "This is something that happened to me once when I was drunk." The winner will have their entry published and receive $100 and a box of light bulbs. WOW! Email your entry to lovenotes@portlandmercury.com, or mail it to the Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite #2, Portland, 97210. Deadline is Tuesday, August 7!